Not What I Expected

While at work today I received a text from Sir. This was the first back and forth communication between the two of us since Thursday. Sir told me that I had to be at our place at six and no excuses were allowed. I simply responded with the only response appropriate, “Yes, Sir.” The funny thing is that I wore my collar and matching bracelet today not expecting to hear from Sir but wanting to feel him. I had no idea he would ever contact me again, but I wanted to feel his presence so I wore both the collar and bracelet.


I was positive Sir would be so upset with me for being non-communicado Friday through Sunday that he would have given up on me and us. When the text arrived I was at first filled with thankfulness that I wasn’t training with one of my coworkers, then I was filled with dread. I had no idea what Sir had to say to me. I wasn’t sure if he had finally given up on me completely or if he was concerned about me.


I have a true and loving Sir. I met a few friends for a couple of drinks because I got off work at 3:30 and wasn’t going to meet Sir until Six. Honestly, whether my friends were at the pub or not, I would have stopped for those two drinks because I was so nervous about what would take place at “our place”.


I left the pub forty minutes before Six so I could get to the middle of town in plenty of time. Unfortunately, I took a left two streets too early and got stuck in mid-town traffic. Once I got to the place, I undressed and brushed my teeth. Sir came in the door while the toothbrush was still in my mouth. I was supposed to be naked on the chair awaiting him. Again I messed up. (I seem to be good at messing up.)


Once Sir asked if I had finished brushing my teeth and I agreed he pointed towards the chair in the room. At first I sat on my knees facing the back of the chair with my backside exposed to Sir. He wanted my feet planted firmly on the ground so I readjusted and sat with my front to the back of the chair and both my feet on the floor straddling the chair.


Once Sir starts our sessions I tend to forget the finer details because I am just living in the moment not sure if I should dread what’s to come or be excited about what’s to come. Today I was filled with dread. The antics on the chair are now gone – I have no idea what happened, but it couldn’t have been as bad as I anticipated otherwise I would have remembered it.


My hair was loose today. It’s down to my mid-to-lower back. Sir likes it long. I’ve been thinking about cutting it up to my shoulders to make it easier to get ready for work, but I would have to clear that with Sir, it’s his hair (including the rest of me) after all. I don’t think he would allow that. Sir was able to wrap my hair around his hand(s) and lead me around. He led me to the bed and had me lay down. Sir put me through some minor paces while I was on my stomach then he directed me to lie on my back. Hands in the air straight above my chest with my palms facing the ceiling, legs in the air perpendicular to the rest of my body feet bottoms toward the ceiling. Sir first put tape around my wrists and strapped them together. Legs went next and he taped them together before taping them to my wrists. Punishment phase was going to really begin now. Sir made sure to communicate that to me. He hit my palms, the bottoms of my feet, my legs, my ass, and various other spots on my body that he knew would sting and make me squirm uncomfortably. His goal was not pleasure at this point, and I knew it wouldn’t be as well.


One thing I must say about Sir is that he is concerned for my wellbeing first. I am always allowed to use my safe word. I am always welcome to walk away. I haven’t felt the need yet, so this one little incident didn’t bother me much. After all the foot, palm, ass, leg, breast, and thigh swats with a firm cane Sir began removing the tape explaining that the punishment phase was over. As he cut I could feel that the scissors were cutting deeper than just the tape on one of my wrists, but it didn’t hurt so I said nothing, I simply noticed the feeling. Sir wasn’t concerned until all the tape was removed, then he realized that he had cut my skin on my left wrist. It wasn’t a big cut, just a nick, but enough for him to be concerned. He wrapped it with a washcloth then wrapped a cuff around it to hold the washcloth in place. The pressure stopped the bleeding, and I didn’t feel it any way. I guess I need to get a tetanus shot since I haven’t had one since the 90’s.


I was put through my paces, Sir was quite firm before he released me. He asked if I knew what I did wrong. Of course I knew what I did wrong, I isolated all weekend not speaking to anyone other than Kid. I was low and I wanted to stay low. Sleep was my comfort and I spent a lot of time with it. Nope. Sir knew I was low and understood. The reason my amazing, caring, kind, Sir was upset with me was because I didn’t, couldn’t, refused to communicate with him. How could I be so selfish? I was so worried about disappointing him that that feeling was more tortuous than anything Sir did to me tonight. I honestly felt that if I tried to contact him after not showing up for our session on Friday he would rebuff me and make me feel terrible and rejected. Not my Sir. I have been doing a little better recently because of how my personal life is going, but once good things start happening to me I get “the dread” that it will all crumble and I will be down in the bottom again. That’s how I felt this weekend and I didn’t know how to explain it to Sir so I simply broke contact hoping he would just silently let me go so I could wallow in my self worthlessness and pity. I am truly fortunate to have such a kind and understanding Sir.


Sir changed gears and once I understood that I MUST communicate with my Sir, he moved to pleasure. Punishment was over, never to be brought up or talked about again. I took my punishment as he saw fit and made it through the other side.


The pleasure was pleasurable and our evening ended not too much later after that.


I learned a lot today. My feelings, my regret, my anticipation are all far more brutal than the punishment Sir will give me. Disappointing Sir hurts my heart so much I find it hard to believe he doesn’t beat me harder and longer. I think I beat myself much harder than my Sir ever could.


So lessons learned, love grows, while admiration and appreciation flourish.


Ta ta,



So Low

I am again a very bad sub. I have been low since Thursday and hiding from friends and family, except Kid. I was supposed to meet Sir on Friday night, but I didn’t even contact him to tell him I couldn’t make it. Luckily Friday was my day off so I didn’t have to trudge through work or call in sick. I stayed in bed the entire day. I’m not sure Sir will forgive me this time, but all I can do is hope he does. My words won’t fix what my actions have done.


I’m a little better today after sleeping WAY too much. I want to try to get into the car and Uber drive to earn some money to make up for the fact that I didn’t work a full week my first week on the job. I missed Monday because my drug test results hadn’t come in by last Friday. I didn’t work yesterday because it was the project group’s Friday off. I need to recoup some money since unemployment won’t pay me for a week that I worked. I need to claim my last week of unemployment and close out that avenue. (YAY!)


I hope I have the motivation to get up, shower, dress, and go out tomorrow and drive. I need to and I’d like to, but the best laid plans (that I make) tend to go by the wayside. I don’t know how to motivate myself when I need to complete something, but I will do my best to try to get on the road tomorrow. It’s a Sunday, it should be pretty chill.


Thanks for reading even if it was a bunch boring.




I Think It’s Friday

I have been out of work for so long I really don’t know what day it is when I wake up. Thankfully my phone and my computer will tell me the day and the date.


Sir was working on his house this weekend so he was unavailable today. I cancelled the room even though it was a really good price for the junior suite. It’s okay. I’ll see him soon.


I am signed up with an agency that is trying to place me. My agent and I were hoping we would hear back today from the one company I know I would fit in with and have a very long career, hopefully to retirement. I thought that was my last position, but mergers suck and the highest paid get kicked out sometimes. I just hope this company contacts my agent early next week because I am so tired of putting in resumes. Why don’t companies all use LinkedIn? All your info is there, it’s uniform, and it even tells you more than you need to know about a candidate before you ever call them. Filling in the same personal information into every website is so daunting and tedious, but I do it because I have to. Geez, I need a job. It’s been a nice two month vacation, but I need to get back to being a productive member of society now. If I was married to a wealthy man I would love being a lady who lunches, but I’m not and I’m tired of seeing my savings dwindling while I do nothing.


I’m sure I’ll see Sir in this next week, I just don’t know when or where yet. I leave it to him. I like when he fully takes charge, but I’m sure most subs do.


I haven’t spoken with Sir since our outing on Friday. He has a lot on his plate at the moment. What I have on my plate right now is a whole lot of depression. Out of work, no prospects, I may need to trade in my car for a cheaper one, there is no way I can afford college for Kid, and a plethora of other worries are weighing me down.


On the plus side, I have been drinking and smoking a lot less than normal. Then on the negative side, I have nothing to uplift me out of the negativity. I didn’t hear from the one job I was pretty excited about this week knowing that one of the head guys was leaving for vacation last Friday. There is still hope, but I’m not holding my breath. I have to hit the internet hard this week and apply, apply, apply. I hate looking for a job. It is my job to find a job right now and it’s the worst job there is.


On top of everything else, two of my cats have completely furred my new pair of jeans!


Ta ta,


Friday With Sir

I’ve been out of a job since August 1st. I admit that I have been spending more money than necessary and have not been frugal while I am searching for work. My computer started dying so I went out and bought a MacBook Pro. It’s fast, it’s efficient, it remembers all my passwords, and I am getting more done with it than I had with my old, slow computer. I have no regrets other than the hefty price.


Sir has been gathering feelings about me over the past few weeks. Firstly, we haven’t had much time to see each other because of devastation that is going on in our area. Secondly, he was under the weather last week and I was under the weather this week. I know he was upset with me and how I am handling unemployment. We chatted this afternoon and he was adamant about coming to pick me up so we could talk. Unfortunately me and Kid had eye appointments to get our prescriptions updated. Yes, another money-spending venture, but a needed one. Our glasses were so out of date, I could barely see. It will be several hundred dollars to get our new glasses, but we are ordering online so they will be cheaper. I am doing my best to get into a frugal state of mind, it’s just so hard when I’m used to making good money so Kid would never want for anything. These new glasses will be the last major purchase I make until after I have re-padded my bank accounts. That’s a promise.


Sir was concerned about me. My phone died without me knowing on Monday and I inadvertently missed two phone interviews. I did make it to my face to face computer test/interview on Tuesday even though I was incredibly sick. I passed the test, I just don’t know how the interview went. He read me a bunch of canned questions that were abstract and hard to answer – I did what I could and responded using my past experiences to try to talk myself up. That interviewer who is the number 2 guy in the office will be going on vacation starting today, so hopefully I will hear from my first interviewer to come in and meet the owner. I’d love to get this job, it’s in IT so I see it as a great learning opportunity. They had a bunch of other candidates, so who knows. I am applying to everything that comes my way via referrals, the agency I’m signed up with, and three or four websites. There have been no less than 10 applications input per day. The calls just aren’t forthcoming. I am way out of most employers’ price range so I have to wait for the larger corporations to need someone where I fit the bill.


I made the reservation at Sir’s and my “home” and let him know I was there and ready for him this evening. I cancelled plans with my girlfriend to be with him, because he said if I wasn’t there I needn’t contact him again. I could tell Sir was in a very serious mood and I knew I was the reason for the mood. He’s not happy how I am spending my time with no job. He doesn’t realize how much time I spend on the computer every day looking, researching, applying, and just plan networking to find something, anything!


When Sir arrived he hugged me first. That was nice considering I knew I was in trouble. He led me by the ponytail back into the suite. When he had me where he wanted me he started going through our accoutrements to select exactly what he needed to get his frustration with me out and to drive his point home. Sir never hits me with anger, but sometimes I push the envelope and he needs to put me back in my place. It was an emotional session. Yes, many of the emotions were from being struck, but many more of the emotions were because I disappointed Sir. I hate when I disappoint him, but I can be sure he will put me back in my place as soon as possible. He succeeded tonight. I am back on track to keep my days frugal, curb what Kid spends on the credit card, double down on the job hunting, and driving for Uber as often as possible to cover the amount of money I need to pay my bills and Kid’s school costs.


In the past year that Sir and I have been in contact, he has helped me immensely. I haven’t felt so cared for since before my late husband got sick. I might lean on Sir too much, and I’d like to rectify that once I am in a new job and back on track. I’d like to be a fun part of his life and not a burden or source of stress. He’s amazing and I’d like our sessions to be just that, amazing with no drama.


So that’s where I’ve been these past few months. I’m thankful Sir has stuck around for me. He’s such a genuine person and after seeing what’s out there for subs, I really lucked out finding Sir the first night I searched for someone.



Ta ta for now!




Harvey, Dang It!

Sir is in the high waters of Harvey, I am luckily flood free. Sir has been relocated to a friend’s house, there is about a foot of water in his house. That’s a terrible situation. Sir will have to remove all the flooring and cut the sheetrock then spray the frame with an anti-mold disinfectant. The highest the water I got was ankle deep in the street in front of my house, but it dissipated not much longer after it swelled. Kid’s first day of school has been pushed back two weeks until September 11th. Kid may or may not be able to reach the school. The bayou that is keeping my friends from their home runs along all the north/south streets that kid would take to get to school.


I am still looking for work and my interview from this week has been moved to next week. I knew it would be. I am hoping it’s a good sign. When I was meant to interview at [Large Chemical Company] a hurricane pushed my interview back three weeks. I know I can nail the interview, the only thing I have to be weary of is getting along with the hiring manager. I am quite personable, but I do have a strong personality. I need to reign it in while I interview, she needs to like me and not feel overwhelmed by my personality. I would love to get this job, it’s in IT and I would learn so much. I can do the job, I just need to convince her I can do the job.


It will be a while before I get to see Sir, but I’m okay. I can wait for him. It’s been awhile since we saw each other last. I was in a bad low and Sir always knows when I’m down. He forced me out of my house and took me for a massage. I never knew that having a Thai girl walking on my back could be so lovely. He knows me, I like that he knows me. I haven’t felt so cared for since before my late husband got sick. Sir is amazing.


I need to take care of my house over the next few days and apply for jobs that I have neglected assuming they would be holed us as most of Southeast Texas has been. It’s Texas, we always come together and make it happen when faced with adversity. Texas is an amazing state and our city is even more amazing. We will get through this easily.



This was just a little update, I’ll write a better entry once Sir and I meet again.




I had’t heard from Sir for several days. In the meantime I’ve started driving for Uber until I get a new job or financial aid for college. Although I tried to contact him for several days, but I got no response. I was so concerned that I did something wrong or misspoke. It was excruciating but Sir finally responded to me today. He has been having a hard time with work and sleeping or not sleeping at odd hours. Whew! I didn’t do anything wrong, I was so concerned that I did and unsure of what it was that I had done. He’s getting back into a normal schedule so I will text when I get up as ordered, and I hope we will both be awake at a normal time tomorrow. 
I am looking forward to seeing him soon. I can arrange my driving around my need to see Sir.

Sunday Morning

I didn’t wake up today until 4:50 in the early evening. Today was the day that a family friend was set to take senior photos of Kid. Kid is in the last year of high school. I am beyond proud of my kid; Kid is kind, caring, intelligent, disciplined, and wonderful. How do you get a kid like that? The kid is just born that way and helped along with an amazing step-father who took it upon himself to make sure Kid had all the tools needed to become a productive and thoughtful adult. It was a great day with Friend, Kid, and Mom. Afterwards Kid, Mom, and I went to dinner. It’s nice to spend time with people you enjoy spending time with. They both have the same sense of humor as I do, and we really have a great time when we spend time together.


I’m awake. It’s 6:42 in the morning. I tried going to sleep at 3 this morning. I am still awake and I don’t want to be awake. The sky’s awake and getting brighter, that makes me worrisome. I want a normal sleeping pattern. The only meds I took today, actually this week to be exact, are my anti-depressants. I didn’t take my sleeping pill or any of the other pills I have prescribed to me. I will take a nap at some point today (hopefully) before Kid gets home from dad’s house. I hope that happens.


I haven’t spoken/texted with Sir in several days. I sent a text but got no response. It’s possible Sir was deep in the office building and didn’t receive the message, it is also possible that Sir didn’t have his phone with him (that happens a lot). It amazes me that I found such a kind, caring, trained, intelligent Dom on Fet. There are so many pretend doms on that sight and I still get contacted by some even though I am attached to Sir. Just because you call yourself a dom doesn’t actually make you a dom. Also, if you are trying to woo a sub several dick-pics aren’t going to do the trick. That’s exactly why I am so enamored with my Sir. He is such a gentleman and respects me more than I ever have been before.


I’m going to try to go to sleep again. I doubt it will work, but I must try. Maybe I need to take one of those meds that have been prescribed to me. I miss Sir.

The Boredom Monster

I can tell I’m depressed because nothing interests me. I am bored constantly. Nothing is exciting, nothing piques my pleasure center, nothing, nothing, nothing…


My sleep patterns have been off since I lost my job. Yesterday I slept until 5:00 PM even though I went to bed at midnight. I did get up between 6 AM and 9 AM before going back to bed. Kid is noticing how much I’m sleeping. I need to call the psych and find out when my next appointment is. Not that I want him to change any of my meds; I feel like this is situational depression on top of my normal major depressive disorder. Last night, I went to bed with a sleep-aid and woke up at 2 AM. I was so wide awake I got up and started drinking  coffee. Out of all the cups I drink only about a quarter of them are caffeinated. I drink decaf because I hate being jittery. I thought the maid was coming this morning at 9 like she usually does so I wanted to be awake. That didn’t happen, but at least I was awake to leave the money out for the yard guy. I got an hour nap in at 11, but I was still concerned about being awake when the maid showed up so I was again wide awake at noon. Today they sent a crew at 4:00. I love the crew, they get in and out as quickly as possible. Kid and I went to get our toes done, we both needed it badly. Unfortunately, the crew was still here when we returned. Kid took a shower and headed out for Dad’s house, I just stayed out of the way of the crew.


I was invited out to the pub tonight with my girlfriend, but I needed to isolate. I haven’t showered in several days or changed my clothes. I know it’s bad and I know I should make an effort, but it is so hard. I just want to curl up in the back of my closet and disappear.


I haven’t received a single call from all of the resumes I’ve put out there and it is making me anxious. I’ve had to take my anti-anxiety meds (both of them) every day since I lost my job which isn’t usually the case.  I am sellable, I should have several calls already. I’ve even tweaked my resume to look better, but still nothing.


I miss Sir’s support right now. I know I shouldn’t rely on him so much since that’s not supposed to be the basis of our relationship, but I do. I truly do. He is so insightful, so caring, so understanding… The only other person who put up with my moods successfully was my late husband. I’ve been watching a show called “You’re The Worst” from FX and I completely identify with the female character. She spent several episodes isolating, zoning out, and shutting everyone in her life out – that’s how I feel right now. I can’t truly do what I feel I need though. I have a kid I need to make sure is fine. I have a job quest that I must complete. I have family that I need to keep in touch with. If it weren’t for Kid I would be in that ball on the floor of my closet or under my coffee table. I am so low. The is the lowest I have been in a long while.


I write to put my thoughts and feelings out there, to make them real, if they are real or spoken maybe I can overcome them. It hasn’t worked so far, but I do feel better when I write. It’s like alphabet vomit. It feels good once it’s out.


I can’t do any more tonight. Ta ta.


(Is It Wednesday or Thursday?)

I hate not having a job, I hate looking for a job, I hate not seeing my Sir.

I am in such despair I wish something could bring me out of it soon. I have gotten no responses from the 50 resumes I’ve submitted. I also don’t know if my unemployment has been accepted. To make sure I don’t go under and I can keep my house and car, I’ve signed up to be an Uber driver. I plan to stalk the international airport thinking those are the safest rides for a woman. I WILL have my gun in the car but that’s not common knowledge so don’t tell anyone! 

I miss Sir. I miss him a lot. I would like to be able to get through the tough times in my life without him, but I have grown to love and rely on him. He wants me to be strong, he wants me to figure thugs out, and he wants me to survive on my own. I completely understand and he is right. We’ve gotten so close over the past few months (more than all the months before) I feel connected to him and I’d love to work on that despite how sad I felt after his comment the other day. 

I was contacted on FetLife by another Dom. We texted for a while but I realized he had no idea how a true Dom should behave, act, care, and perform. I have a juicy cherry in my Dom. I don’t want anyone other than him. If we never meet again I will always cherish what we had. He’s trained, I have no inclination to train someone new. 

Sir, I love you.