I woke this morning with every intention to get up and go to the interview I had scheduled located over an hour away. As I laid in bed after my alarm had gone off several times I realized that I didn’t want to drive that long daily, so I emailed the recruiter and explained I couldn’t make that drive on a daily basis.
Once I got out of bed I got online and applied for every job I could find. Having cancelled the interview put me into a deep low. Not going made me realize that I had very little opportunities out there. I applied to everything that came up even if I knew they wouldn’t be able to meet my salary requirements.
My low was deep today. I was supposed to meet Sir tonight. I explained to him that I was in no mood to see anyone and I wouldn’t be good company. I cancelled but he was not happy about it. He wants me to see a psychiatrist because of my mood swings. I’m used to my mood swings and I know that the stress of not having a job is making the cycle much faster. I did have to take my anti-anxiety med late this afternoon, but nothing really brought on the anxiety attack. It just happened.
I was supposed to meet Sir this evening at seven. When seven o’clock came around I texted him with my apologies for missing our meeting. He was concerned and caring, but not happy about me hiding in my house. He explained that the pleasure he gets from me is from the success he has with me. He feels like he isn’t helping me enough, but I disagree. He has helped me immensely. Our meetings make me happy and our sessions feel like a release for me. I’m upset with myself for not meeting with him tonight, it would have been a great night to have a session so I could forget about my low, my lack of a job, and the state of my life. I might have even reached subspace if he had pushed me hard enough so I could detach from what I went through today.
What bothers me the most is the fact that Sir believes he may be the cause of my stress and anxiety. He certainly is not. My life situation and a chemical imbalance in my brain are what causes my issues right now. So there is the lack of a job, the trip to my sister’s house tomorrow, my weight, my lack of movement on a regular basis, and the fact that I am not eating well. I know he can help me with this, but I have to let him in to do so. This all goes back to my lack of motivation for most things. Other than searching for a job, I do little else. That’s not good in general nor is it good for me and my wellbeing. Sir knows this and is trying to convince me to do something.
Once we started texting this evening at seven when we were supposed to meet I felt a strong need to see him. He makes me feel good, he makes me feel alive, he makes me feel beautiful. Unfortunately I didn’t have the motivation it would have taken to shower and get dressed to meet him. That’s a problem I need to overcome. Last week he gave me no choice and said he would be at my house within minutes so I had to get freshened up and dressed so he could take me out to lunch. That worked for me, but I’m afraid it wouldn’t work every time. It might have worked this evening as I was feeling much better after we texted for a while. I’m not quite to the point where I can meet him in one of my lows, but I feel like I am nearing that meeting. I trust him, I respect him, and I know he cares about my wellbeing which all lead me to the conclusion that soon I will be able to meet him regardless of my mood. Being with him always makes me feel better.
He leaves for a trip home soon so we will have very limited time to see each other in the next few days, but I plan to be available if I am able. By able I mean if I don’t have an interview not that I might not feel up to it. I want and need to see him before he leaves.
The time he is away will be a test for me. I hope to be able to motivate myself, keep up the house, maintain my applications online, and follow Sir’s instructions for my daily and nightly requirements.