My Journey Into BDSM: Saturday Without Sir

It was my girlfriend’s birthday party tonight, so eight of us met at a nearby Mexican restaurant for drinks and dinner. My girlfriend’s husband was sitting next to me when we first arrived so it was just him, her, and me at the table. He was at the head of the table, she was a chair away from me so she wasn’t necessarily in on what he was saying to me.

He asked me when he would meet the “boyfriend”. I explained that he would never meet the “boyfriend”. My friends know I am seeing someone but they don’t know much more. Most of them wouldn’t understand the nature of our relationship even if I explained that it started with my late husband. My college roommate completely understands because she’s a little kinky like me so I tell her everything, but my other friends aren’t quite like that. The only reason I could come up with for my reluctance to introduce them was the fact that he doesn’t drink. My friends and I tend to plan our outings and gatherings around drinking. For example, even though my kid will not be home with me for Christmas I plan to decorate and have a cheese and wine party just to make use of the decorations. My explanation didn’t convince my friend’s husband. He told me that the first time they asked me to go do something and I said I had plans with “boyfriend” would be the time they met him or I wouldn’t be asked to join them anymore. I know he’s serious, I know him very well.

If Sir was fine with meeting my friends I have no problem bringing him into the fray, but I know he wouldn’t have a good time and would just be counting the minutes until we were able to be alone and he would be counting the drinks I was having. Even when he isn’t with me he wants to know how much I drink. I texted him between meeting my new niece and going out to dinner tonight to let him know I was thinking about him and he asked how many drinks I would have at dinner. As a non-drinker he doesn’t understand. I have major social anxiety, I take two anti-anxiety meds daily. If I go to a place (such as my sister’s today) without alcohol I don’t speak much if at all. I was at my sister’s house with my five nephews and niece and I may have said five words the entire time. If someone doesn’t speak directly to me I have no idea how to start a conversation with them. I’ve always been like this. No one else in my family has any trouble speaking with people or strangers, just me. It’s actually crippling for me and alcohol allows me to open up and be myself around people I don’t know. Once I get to know someone I can talk a blue streak and I’m quite funny to be honest, but in new social situations I freeze. I’d love to be one of those people who can strike up a conversation with any stranger like my late husband and my mom, but I’m not wired that way. I love talking to people, but I have never met a friend who didn’t speak to me first. Every single one of my friends struck up a conversation with me and I just joined in as opposed to me talking to them first. I’m not sure Sir really understands the enormity of my disability. He certainly doesn’t understand how much alcohol allows me to be social. My late husband was super social and could strike up an in depth conversation with anyone on the street, I loved that about him. He helped me out of my little shell, but now that he’s gone I’m back in my shell. He knew this when he got sick and told my girlfriend’s husband “Don’t let Keeks disappear.” I disappear. I will hide in the house for months without seeing anyone outside of work and he knew that about me. I don’t think I will ever find another man that will understand me as much as he did, but at least I have Sir who understands part of me.

I am to meet Sir on Monday at a different hotel. I’m not sure why it’s a different hotel, but I didn’t think it was my place to ask. So I will meet him at 5 as he instructed. It may be the last time I get to see him before he takes his vacation so if I have to take both my anti-anxiety meds to do so I will, but I want to be fulling there and will try not to take them. Being with him is cathartic. He is always concerned about my anxiety, but once I am with him and in his “clutches” I feel safe and calm. It’s just getting there that causes me anxiety. When I feel the straps hit me I feel the pain but it quickly subsides to just a tingling of pleasure. He has sent me into a state of eurphoria and I look forward to Monday to see if I can get there again.

Sir asked me to join a few sub groups on FetLife and I found that he had joined a group for long distance relationships. I don’t like that. If I am not the only sub or feel like I am the only sub I cannot be the sub. I know I am supposed to be the submissive, obviously, but I am not a door mat. This has happened before with him where he “threatened” to see his other sub when I wasn’t available. I don’t and won’t be pitted against anyone else. I have control of my situation and I refuse to be one of many.
Its really late, 1:45 now but I sent Sir a text telling him that I don’t like the fact that he may be looking for another sub when I am not available. Why does he need to join a group about long distance relationships when I live in the same city? I can’t do “sharing”. I am a very jealous person and he knows this, but twice now he has pushed it. I may not be able to keep this relationship going.

UPDATE: Sir joined the group because we only see each other once a week at best and felt like it could help him deal with me via texts and emails better. My next post explains the rest.

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