My Journey Into BDSM: No Longer With Sir

Sir sent me a long text from overseas yesterday. He said that I had been through a tough time and he was proud of me, which made me feel amazing. He also said the orders he had given me to fulfill while he was gone could be forgotten. I had actually made him proud, PROUD! I didn’t think I was capable of making anyone proud. It brought tears to my eyes, good tears.

I read and reread that text several times before I could reply even though he had very nice things to say to me all I could focus on was the question he asked me. His one question was “do you have roller coasters with me?” That was the only part of the text that I focused on, everything else disappeared while I zeroed in on that one question. My gut answer was “yes” even though we met in a tumultutuous time in my life. I wrote back to Sir to tell him that I do feel roller coasters with him and that I thought I should limit or stop communicating with him. His response as expected was to wish me well and sign off. I expected a feeling of relief, but the opposite happened. I have never felt so alone so all of a sudden. 

When my husband died I had time to prepare and say my goodbyes to him. I have girlfriends I can talk to but they are all married and really don’t understand the utter aloneness one can feel while being in a room full of people. Having a chat with Sir seemed to alleviate a lot of that loneliness. He was actually helping me and I didn’t see it. He would force me out of the house which always put me in a better mood. Thursday was a good day, I was out of the house and I decorated for Christmas. Yesterday and today were filled with tears. It’s worse today and I’m afraid it may get even worse tomorrow.

I’m not sure that my roller coasters were related to Sir per se, I have some work to do on myself. I know when I don’t follow orders it makes me very sad, but when I do follow orders and Sir praises me for doing so I feel a joy I haven’t felt in a very long time. Is it selfish to want the joy without the sadness? We were still in training mode and I failed miserably, but I got through a tough time in my life and Sir was proud of me despite the fact that I hadn’t been able to follow orders. He was becoming a mentor and a confidant to me. Now, I have no one. I didn’t think this one through long enough. I am on more of a roller coaster today than I have been since we met in the store parking lot after I had displeased him the first time.

Now I have all these pretty things I ordered for Sir that keep arriving each day that make me realize they will stay in the drawer and may never get worn. I already miss Sir, but there is no turning back now. He knows I am a basket case and tried to tread lightly with me and I pushed him away twice. If I am ever able to find another Dom I will have to be more diligent and obedient and hope he has a sliver of the understanding Sir had for me and my depression. I don’t even want to leave the house again, and I doubt I will make it to the psychiatrist. I will be ready to start my new job next Sunday, and hope that the newness of it and everything I have to learn will keep me occupied and my mind off losing Sir.

Loneliness is not fun. Loneliness sucks. Loneliness is hard to overcome even if you have friends. All my friends are with their families this weekend. My mom has gone to see her sister, my sister and I are not close; all I really have are my friends. I don’t expect any company or texts this weekend. It’s just me and the cats. I see my future and it’s bleak.

I really need to take a shower and get out of the house tomorrow. I just know I won’t have a the motivation to do so. Every time I start thinking about doing something productive I tear up and break down. The roller coaster is all me, it has nothing to do with Sir.

Have you ever acted so rashly that it affected you and your life in a negative way even though you thought it might be good for you?

UPDATE: 

Sir read my blog and contacted me at almost the exact same time I contacted him to tell him that I made a horrible mistake. We have been chatting for the past hour and are working things out. He understands my inability to be normal and is willing to help me with it.

I am so happy right now. I have stopped crying and I am in a much better mood. I didn’t realize how much Sir had affected my life and how much brighter he made it. Losing him right now was not truly what I wanted.

I have reached out to a therapist that treated my kid and I think I will like speaking with her. I plan to keep my appointment with the psychiatrist and have him re-evaluate my meds. I have a lot that needs to come out and therapy and new meds might finally get me to a point that my quality of life is improved. I’m looking forward to it. I think Sir will be happy about it as well, a happy sub is a much more obedient sub.

Now I am welcoming those packages of pretty things that I’ve ordered. They won’t have to sit in the drawer, I get to wear them for Sir. I’m pretty sure I will be spending the night on the 2nd unless I can’t sleep. I have my Lunesta, so that should knock me out until morning. A nice breakfast together would be amazing.
I’m off to bed while Sir starts his day. I am so glad we had this chat and I can’t wait to see him again.

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