My Journey Into BDSM: Thursday Without Sir

I am no longer numb regarding my feelings towards Sir. I was criticized and chastised like a little kid. I didn’t go into this looking for a father. I’m not one of those Big/little people, I simply wanted some structure and pain to feel release. We texted and I felt relieved after our conversations. The only thing that bothers me is the “your wrong” comments he made yesterday.
He told me I was wrong for a few reasons:

*For saying “dammit” when I started tearing up

*Wrong for being angry (which I wasn’t)

*Wrong to assume he was asking me to stop drinking (why send me the article and ask me to write a paper on the affects of alcohol on women/bodies)

*Wrong to not let him teach me things
I cuss yes, but dammit is so benign it’s even said on daytime television. I wasn’t angry, I was hurt. I felt judged and scolded. If he wasn’t asking me to quit drinking then why the lecture even if it was in written form? Wrong to not let him teach me things? I know the affects of alcohol on the body and mind and I know it’s far worse for women than it is for men. I am about to start a new job and I won’t be drinking during the week like I have been while on this hiatus from work. I don’t need to be taught about alcohol. I will go back to being a social drinker on the weekends when I am with friends. Of course I will abstain on the days/nights I meet Sir. I’m ready to heal and I know I don’t need to drink every day anymore. I am in a much better place now and I am looking forward to getting new meds and meeting with my therapist. I know Sir is looking forward to that as well. We are okay, and he is willing to deal with my escentricities so we can move forward with our relationship. He made blog post shortly after we started seeing each other and I hold that near to my heart. Sir said some very nice things about me, I’m not used to getting compliments, and he is always there to lift me up when I don’t feel my best. I don’t know why I doubted him and us.
I’ve been holed up in the house all day today. I have gotten some things done so I can be ready for my trip. I pulled the suitcase out of the attic since it will be quite cold while I am in SC and I will need to pack bulky clothes. After I did that, I make myself a drink. I’m still on hiatus, so I will drink when I want for now. Tomorrow I meet with Sir and I will not be drinking. I don’t need to be numb when I’m with him, I need to feel every touch, swat, and kiss.
Sir certainly didn’t sign up for the tornado that is me, and I completely understand. I know we can work this out, but I may need to work on myself for a while before we can. I’ll see the psych next Friday to see what we can do about my meds, then the following week I will see the therapist to start talking about my issues. Maybe then I can be the diligent sub he deserves.
UPDATE:
Holy crap I am seriously a drama queen. I want to work through my issues and be a better sub. That’s my plan. I had a very nice conversation with Sir via text and we will still meet tomorrow for dinner and a session. Of course I will post what goes on since this is supposed to be a blog about my journey into BDSM instead of a journey into my crazy mind. So stay tuned, I’ll be sober so I will remember all the details!

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