My Journey Into BDSM: Without and With Sir

Last week was almost the end of my relationship with Sir. Because of our conflicting schedules and our recent travels we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.

I received an email from Sir basically telling me that he no longer felt like I was his sub and that I was intentionally trying to avoid him. He didn’t like my behavior and suggested I had even been hostile towards him a few times like when he sent me flowers upon my return from training out of state. I wasn’t aware that I was hostile or even came across that way and I was stymied that he felt that way; it made me feel very badly because I wouldn’t ever be hostile towards anyone showing me kindness, appreciation, or exactly what I’ve asked of them. Although earlier in the week he gave me an ultimatum saying that we had to meet on Friday, I had to spent the night, and I had to abide by his wishes until the end of the year because we would be limited with our contact because of the holidays. I had agreed to his terms and had every intention of following through, but his email came the Thursday before we were supposed to meet. He told me that basically he had been giving me the benefit of the doubt for a while because of all the crap going on in my life but he could no longer put up with how I was behaving towards him, he said, “I am giving you what you want and letting you go.” I wasn’t surprised, but I was upset. I hadn’t been available to Sir as required and I had broken our plans to meet on more than one occasion, but the last thing I wanted was to be let go. He also felt like I hadn’t given myself to him fully, I trusted him with my body but not my head. I read and reread his email several times before I penned my response.

I addressed his concerns in my response. Most importantly that I didn’t want to be let go and that I did trust him with my mind explaining how he knew the issues in my head and even found a psychiatrist for me to see to work on getting new meds for me so I would feel better. He read my response after I had already gone to bed and texted me to contact him after my psych appointment on Friday. I texted him while I was waiting because the waiting room was full again when I arrived so I assumed it would be another hour and a half wait and I was desperate to hear from him to see if I was still “let go”. He didn’t respond which was fine because the wait wasn’t nearly as long as I expected, but he was on my mind the entire time I was talking with the psych and telling him about how I was doing on the new meds he had prescribed.

When I got home I texted Sir again. He said we needed to talk in person and work things out. He wasn’t interested in controlling 100% of my life like I thought, but we needed to work out what our relationship was. If I was still interested I was to meet him at the same hotel where we had been before at seven. Of course I was still interested and I was very relieved and happy that he still wanted to meet with me. I wasn’t sure if we were meeting just to talk or if we were going to have a session so I asked if I should bring my bag or not. He said to bring it and I felt a bit more relieved. I showered taking special care to shave really well and clean up fully. Satisfied, I put on one of the baby-dolls I bought for him before I put my clothes on over it. As I was about to leave the house Sir texted me back asking me to bring lotion and water. I was already planning on stopping on my way to get a diet soda, I had been up since 4 that morning and needed the caffeine.

I arrived at the hotel and texted him that I was in the parking lot. He had instructed me to text him when I arrived and he would bring me the parking permit from the front desk and help me with my bag. I texted as instructed and waited. Sir came across the parking lot and walked to my side of the car. I opened my door and rolled my window down not knowing what he wanted me to do. I decided to get out of the car and we hugged. It felt good to be embraced by him again. Not just good, but relieving. He walked around the car and I moved everything from the front passenger seat to the back seat and he got in suggesting we go to a nearby walking plaza to get some dinner. When I found a parking spot he said that he couldn’t figure out what to get for me while he was traveling so he thought we would just walk around and when I found something I wanted he would buy it for me. I had no idea what I wanted, I never know what to select when someone does that so we walked. As we worked our way around one of the buildings I saw a lingerie shop that I liked. I pulled him inside after a little protest from him and spoke to the sales girl. Sir stood by the door while she showed me pretty nightgowns. I usually sleep in pj pants and a t-shirt or tank top and I wanted a pretty nightgown for a change. When I found the one I liked I got his attention and followed him up to the register. Afterwards we went to a French bistro for dinner. We talked and ate then headed back to the hotel. I dropped him off at the front to check in and get the parking permit while I found a parking spot. He met me at the car and I hung the tag before I handed him my bag to carry upstairs. After a key glitch we got into the room.

Sir asked me about the baby-dolls and I told him that I was wearing one of them. That’s when he began to undress me. I stood there in my baby-doll and panties and he smiled which made me happy. Then he led me to the full-length mirror and made me watch as he removed the rest of my clothes. I don’t like watching or even looking at myself, but I watched as instructed. Once I was undressed fully and he was done showing me myself in the mirror he led me to the bed and told me to lay down. Sir went through the toys in my bag and addressed me with them. The nipple clamps are always painful, but this time they seemed more painful and he removed them shortly after putting them on. They aren’t my favorite toy and they never have been. The other implements weren’t as bad. Although I was very vocal about the pain I was feeling I wasn’t to my limit. I was no where near my safe word but Sir seemed to take it easy on me. One of his favorites “the bruiser” stung my backside. He tried both sides asking me how they felt, I was honest and told him that they stung equally as badly. He was perplexed but stopped. I didn’t ask him to, but he must have felt like I wanted him to so he stopped. There were a few other implements that he was using on my back, bottom, and thighs that he used with no objection from me, but I was still vocal about the swats. There was pain, I addressed the pain. I didn’t say I wanted the pain to stop, but I was very aware of the pain. After going though several of the implements he had me stand up for punishment. He brought me back to the mirror and I watched as he caned my hand for using a bad word during one of our texting sessions. Back on the bed he caned my feet for another infraction that I had perpetrated. He actually broke the cane which I found funny. When he was done punishing me he asked me if I knew why I was being punished and I responded that I did and told him why I thought I was being punished. Sir joined me on the bed and held me for a while. We embraced and I felt comfortable. I now feel comfortable with all aspects of our relationship and all points of our sessions. Sir asked if I was tired and I agreed that I was so he got up leaving me on the bed warning me not to fall asleep. He went through the bag again and found the pink plastic strapping tape. He pulled me to my feet and proceeded to wrap me in the tape. Sir made a kinky dress-like wrap around me starting with securing my hands behind my back, followed by him wrapping it around me several times at the waist, around my chest making sure it was secure around my breasts but they remained free, then he wrapped it down my legs basically making me immobile while I stood before him. Again I was led (hopping) to the full-length mirror to look. I looked, I didn’t like looking at myself, but I looked. The pink tape was wrapped all around me, around my breasts, and cutting into my crotch. Sir liked it I could tell, so I was pleased. Once he cut me out of the straps he led me back to the bed. We hugged and talked. I was more talkative than I normally am, I’m not really sure why I was, but we talked. Since my kid hadn’t gone to the dad’s house as expected I had to be home soon and I reminded him. He asked me to make myself come once more so I started, but I was honestly too tired. Sir accused me of being manipulating, I wasn’t trying to be manipulative and I argued a bit. I don’t like being called or being assumed that I’m a liar. I am a terrible liar and will always be found out, I simply can’t lie. After we got dressed and left the room he said he would follow me home to make sure I was fine. When I arrived at my house I pulled into the garage and turned off my car, I went out to say goodbye but Sir was already gone. Sadly I went into the house.

I’ve received another email from Sir today which worries me. We text, only long explanations come through via email. On Saturday night at eight, as I am supposed to do, I texted Sir. It wasn’t much, just a check in, but I didn’t receive a reply. Knowing he was with his kids I wasn’t concerned figuring that he would respond when he had the chance. He did respond on Sunday afternoon and told me that he was taking his kids to the movies. That was fine as well, I have no objections to anyone spending time with their kids. As I am instructed to do I texted him at eight Sunday night to check in. I told him how productive I had been that day and he asked about my kid. I told him kid had gotten back at five. He responded that he might take his kids to a winter celebration out of town. We chatted about that for a bit then I told him it was my bed time and that was the end of our conversation.

So to Sir’s email; our last text was Sunday evening. I don’t typically hear from him via text outside of our eight o’clock conversations unless he has a lull in his day and happens to be thinking about me. In his email this Monday afternoon, he told me that he will be out of town and may not be able to receive texts, but he wanted me to write in my blog (which I am doing) because he can see farther into my soul when he reads it. I guess I am more transparent when I write as opposed to when I speak. I don’t doubt that at all, I am quite reserved and quiet typically. Sir wrote that he felt like I was more relaxed during our session, but less submissive. He also felt like I accepted him more as a friend which he thought was new. He thinks that because I am no longer in my deep low I felt the pain more strongly and couldn’t tolerate it as well as before and that I wanted more hugs than pain. That was complete news to me. Although I enjoy the hugs and I admit I was more vocal and I did feel the pain, I never asked Sir to stop. The pain hit me as Sir hit me, but as soon as he stopped the pain subsided. He mentioned during our session that he saw the starts of bruises and stopped certain activities because of it. Because of a platelet disorder I bruise easily, they never really hurt, I don’t mind them at all. I’ve never asked him not to mark me, I’ve only asked that he not mark me anywhere that can’t be covered with clothes. I actually like the marks, it reminds me of our time together and it makes me think of Sir and smile. I know he hits me, then he cherishes me. I love both parts of our processes in our relationship. Yes, I am less depressed and in a better mood so maybe the pain was more intense but I never told him to stop. He’s in charge and I expect that from Sir. What he says, what he wants, what he does is up to him and how he wants our sessions to go. I’m completely okay with that. Unfortunately I think that we are on the brink of another “letting go” because Sir thinks I suddenly want something different from our relationship than we originally agreed upon. I am still the same girl who sat in the car next to him and went through the contract point by point agreeing to most of what we discussed. It seems like Sir is questioning that and it concerns me. I sought him out for a specific reason, to be dominated; nothing has changed. Sir should still feel like he is in charge and completely in control, that’s how I feel. Maybe the goal of our relationship has deviated, but in essence, I still want a Dom to take charge as I wanted in the beginning. I may push back on Sir, but I expect him to push back on me and keep charge of the situation. I don’t mean to push, it’s ingrained – it’s hard to rewire your brain after so many years on this earth in one set of mind. Sir may not be able to change the way I think, but he is always in control. I’m not sure exactly how I am displeasing him, but I know I am. Wanting a Dom and being dominated doesn’t seem to be enough for Sir lately and I don’t know how to convey that I am pleased with the status quo and accept him as my Dom.

I guess I just wait until Sir has time to see or speak with me and we will re-evaluate once again. I sincerely hope I am not let go, but if that is Sir’s wish it shall be unhappily granted.

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