Monthly Archives: January 2017

Random Thoughts Tuesday

Positives for today:

  1.  I am in a decent mood, not low.
  2. We have two new employees starting soon, that means business is good.
  3. I’m not hungry; day two off the Remeron.
  4. I’ll get my new scripts for Adderall this afternoon.
  5. I don’t have any meetings today.

Maybe I should fix my lunch. I’m not hungry but I need to eat before it gets too late in the day.

I forgot to do those expense reports, eek! I’ll do them after I eat.

My dry mouth is better today, still a little dry but not bad.

Meds! I need to take my meds…

Sir should definitely get this text since it went through as an MMS, the last one went through as an SMS. He must have been in an elevator or deep inside a building.

I overcooked my eggs. Ick, they’re hard. I’m not eating that.

I have to leave early today to pick up my scripts and drop them at the drug store. I hope I don’t forget.

My prescription is ready but I’ll pick it up tomorrow, I think I have one left anyway.

Okay, fifteen minutes then I will leave to meet Sir.

Maybe I should eat something. Never mind, I already brushed my teeth. I wonder if he’ll want a bottle of water. I have one in the car from last time, I’ll bring him that.

The beeping of trucks backing up really aggravates my misophonia. I can’t stand it!

I went out with a guy who wore partial dentures. I was young, so was he. I knew the date was over when he took it out at dinner. Gross. Leave that crap in your mouth!

I really need to leave to meet Sir. I’ll try to write when I return if he doesn’t keep me  out too late as usual.

UPDATE: I met with Sir.

There was of course punishment involved. Twelve swacks with a cane to each of my feet and hands. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to type after those, they were quite forceful. I can still feel one of the belt point of connection on one of my cheeks. The rest have subsided to just a tingling. The punishment was not as bad as last time, I am happy we are back to a clean slate.

Missing Him Monday

My five positives for today:
1. I got to work thirty minutes early to help make up for the time I will miss by leaving early for my doctor’s appointment this afternoon.

2. I get to leave work at 3:00 because of my doctor’s appointment.

3. I showered and I’m wearing makeup. Those two things don’t always happen every day, I usually forgo one, the other, or both.

4. I’ve started my mandatory first aid training, even though it’s really boring I have gotten through the first module out of five.

5. I have taken another baby step towards my health, I have chosen to drink a LOT more water. If I have a Diet Pepsi, it will only be one or half of one a day.

 
And now for Sir and me:
(Please keep in mind while reading this next bit that I do not disagree with Sir…)

Sir is very upset with me. He told me that I do not offer myself to him enough. This is where we clash: me having an independent but also submissive personality, and him expecting servitude. I agree that I don’t offer myself to him enough, I simply feel like he is asking more from me than we decided I could give. It’s like a work/life balance.

 

I have to have time to do certain things in my home and for my kid. He understands all of that, and is usually very kind about it. What he doesn’t understand is that I have no idea what his schedule is like, when he must be at the office, when he is just on call, when he is at home, when he is visiting family; I know none of this so I would have to offer myself daily to strike oil once in a while. When I do ask about his work and home life he shuts me down like I am being nosy, but I just want to know more about him and his daily events.

 

I’m not available daily, nor do I have enough spare time to meet with Sir more than twice a week maximum. That’s why I always want Sir to dictate when we should meet. I have a set schedule at work unless I have to stay late for a report that is due, then I would have to work until it is completed which could mean between seven and nine o’clock sometimes. But that doesn’t happen all that often. It does seem to happen on Friday a lot since the engineers spend the week on site to gather the info.

 

We clash about meeting a lot, but that is my fault: I have anxiety issues about my body and how I smell, so meeting right after work makes me very nervous. I want to be freshly showered, teeth brushed, dressed well, and made up when I meet Sir. I am always concerned about smelling badly, not shaving, wearing a mismatched bra and panties, etc. These are my anxieties when I must meet up with Sir. If I have time for a shower and to get primped I am usually fine, if not I have to take an antianxiety med to get me there. If I know a session won’t be happening and we would just be meeting for dinner I can relax a little, but I am still nervous about making an error or causing Sir to feel slighted.

 

Here is where we clashed this weekend: First Sir asked me on Saturday if my friend had arrived. I responded that she hadn’t and was due later in the evening. He made no mention of being available or if I could cancel my plans. On Sunday, Sir asked me what my plans were (not if I could meet him, mind you) so I responded with a short to-do list. The full list would have been too much to type into a text. I also didn’t mention the kid I think, figuring we would get to it eventually. Because Sir works so many hours every week, he has people to do the things that need to get done around his house. I do not. I have a maid that comes once a month, the rest I have to maintain myself. The kid doesn’t typically do any chores because I would prefer the focus be on school work.

 

Sunday was my chore day and I was unavailable this weekend because

1. I had to work late on Friday (This was our original date night)

2. On Saturday I had a friend come over who is depressed because she lost her job, turns out she has two weeks to pay up or they will start foreclosing on her house so she is a mess. (Sir thinks I should have canceled this and asked if Sir could meet me)

3. Sunday the kid was coming home and we wanted to spend some time together after my chores

 

Sir took my chore list as a slight towards him because apparently (according to him) my taking out the trash is more important than he is. That certainly is not the case. I had chores that had to be done on Sunday and there was no getting around that. The trash had to be out for Monday pick up which includes getting the trash from every room in the house, plus no one else is going to clean the litter box, no one else is going to empty and load the dishwasher, no one else will pick up around the house, no one else will feed and water the cats for the week, no one else will get the coffee maker ready for Monday morning, no one else will put my laundry away, and no one else will pack my lunch for work on Monday. All of these things took time and needed to be done before Monday. This is all stuff I usually take care of on Sundays so I’m ready to start my work week. I am not good at motivating myself, so if I get some things done on Sunday I am very proud of myself. I was actually pretty proud of myself until Sir and I started texting; then I felt like a letdown and very small suddenly. I wanted to crawl into a ball at the back of my closet to cry.

 

I am being punished by Sir for the following infractions:

1. Cancelling on him on Friday (although work is a valid excuse for a cancellation)

2. For not offering myself to him on Saturday or Sunday

3. For not being available to Sir often enough

4. Neglecting Sir

5. For not begging Sir to see him throughout the week/weekend

6. For being a brat

 

Sir is giving me the worst punishment imaginable to me – radio silence. I am supposed to continue my blog and text Sir at our designated time, but he will not respond to me on Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday I am to text Sir at noon, he will decide then if he wants to respond to me and if he wants to make time for me. Essentially, he is ghosting me for three days and it is a mind game that messes with my depression. I was in tears last night when he told me that he wouldn’t respond to me until possibly Wednesday or when he felt like I had returned to my position as his dutiful sub. As soon as we finished texting I went straight to bed upset, lonely, and sad.

 

Speaking of being sad; against medical advice (from my mom and a physician), as of Sunday night, I have quit taking the Remeron that was prescribed to me. I have decided that I can put up with possible irritability, light headedness, and headaches for a few days rather than eat myself into a 200 pound monster. I feel fine today. I have extreme dry mouth, but I have two large bottles of Fiji Water with me so I can deal with that. I was able to get up this morning with no trouble. I was early to work instead of late like I had been all last week, including not being able to get up at all last Monday and missing work. I have two other antidepressants that I take in the mornings, so I really don’t think I need to be on a third especially with the side effects I have had. The craving for sugar has been the worst, I couldn’t get enough sweets and I really don’t eat sweets. I was ordering cheesecake, getting ice cream, scarfing cookies, anything I could get my hands on I was eating. The voracious appetite won’t be missed either. I have a lap-band and this med made me ravenous which meant that I ate until I vomited then I would eat some more because I was still hungry. That is not good for my band, my stomach, my teeth, or my health. So I am confident in my decision not to take this particular med anymore. Sir will not like this because he also told me not to get off of it cold turkey because of the withdrawal possibility. I can live with the withdrawals for a few days to get rid of the side effects. 

I just got home from the GP and he told me not to worry about getting off the Remeron because I had only been on it for about a month and he didn’t think the withdrawals would be of any concern. So good, that’s settled.

I’ll go ahead an post this and add to it if anything else pops up between now and bedtime.

I’ve done my nightly bedtime routine so I am off to bed, but I feel like I need to report that Sir broke the radio silence and we will meet this week when he is available and I will gladly show up wherever I am to be. I didn’t want to leave you hanging, I’m happy again.

Just a Sunday

Sorry there was no blog yesterday, I appreciate your readership, but I had a friend over and she spent the night.
I’ve had a few positives today:

1. I turned some ‘should’s into ‘did’s.

2. I took out the trash.

3. I emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it.

4. I stamped and put out the mail for tax info.

5. I scooped the litter box
The kid came back from the dad’s house today, we are going to go do something. Not sure what, but I’m sure dinner will be involved. 
The new mat for inside the back door arrived yesterday. It is already fraying on one corner, my guess is The Terror had something to do with that. The cats were very intrigued by the new smell, but The Terror was especially interested in the mat. He’s a terror, but he cracks me up. Such a silly cat.
Cleaned my eyeglasses! Yay another accomplishment! Kidding. I do have a long list of things I need to get done around the house, but that will be a slow process. I’m happy with the few accomplishments I made today and I am not going to stress or dwell on the other things.
Since I was unable to meet Sir this weekend, and since we had that terrible misunderstanding, I am hoping to meet him for dinner. He sounded like he wanted to meet tonight, but I already promised the kid that we would so something since we have been apart all weekend. Maybe we can meet for dinner this week. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow so I might get home earlier than usual. That could be a possibility, I’ll have to check with him and see what his schedule looks like for tomorrow. I’m sure we will get together this week, I just don’t know when. 
I felt badly about canceling on Friday, but at least I earned some overtime so I’m happy about that. Every little bit helps. Plus the engineer was estactic that she could send out the report Friday night. I like working with her, she always tells my boss what a good job I’m doing. She’s also very positive about the things I get done for her. There’s another report due next week which I will work on with my counterpart since it’s a different client that I haven’t worked for yet. We’ll do it via video conference, this should be interesting.
I haven’t heard back from Sir about my meeting on Monday idea. I have no idea what his schedule is like today. He might be working or he might be with family. Either way, I’m sure he’s busy and will get back to me when he has a chance. I’ll keep you posted.

Sir will be busy this week so I actually don’t know when I will see him again. Sorry, no Sir stories for you this week. I’ll keep posting as I have been instructed, but it won’t be as interesting as some of my past posts.

Saturday With a Friend

While I wait on my friend to come visit, here are my five positives for today.

1.  Mary Tyler Moore is a very funny show, I’ve been entertained all day.

2.  The house is in decent shape, I just need to unload and load the dishwasher and take out the trash. (“Shoulds” I need to take care of soon).

3.  I’m not low today. After the argument I had with Sir last night I was sure we were done. I’m glad we worked it out.

4.  I got the last minute report out last night only having to redo it once. Luckily I’m well versed in Adobe and was able to fix the single mistake left after the second export. I made sure to copy my boss so she knew I worked late.

5.  After reading some of the entries on Stigma, I’m not doing so badly. I’m not happy about other people’s misery, I’m just happy that I’m not as bad off today.
I’m pretty sure my neighbor threatens or throws things at my one outdoor cat Bear. When our fence fell down between our houses Jim was still alive. We were both at a loss for words when they neighbor suggested putting a gate in the fence so he and his wife could pop over whenever they wanted. The neighbor and his drunk friend took two months to build the dang fence and the gate in the middle of it. Well, the gate doesn’t close properly. It’s hard to use a level when you’re three sheets to the wind by ten AM. We share a yard guy and he never closes the gate (not that he could). Anyway, Bear and I were out on the patio when I heard the neighbor walking through his grass. Bear heard it as well and darted for the patio door. As soon as I saw the neighbor in the open gate trying to close it Bear was trying his hardest to make the patio door open. Add that behavior to the fact that I heard him hit the fence last week and Bear came running back into my yard and straight tot he door all leads me to believe he is mean to my cat. Tit for tat I supposed since I hate his dog. She never shuts up!
I’m supposed to go out and buy and plant three trees tomorrow. I just don’t see that happening unless my mother pushes me to get it done. Another “should” my therapist would be dismayed to hear that I ignored. I plan to sleep late again. Those Remeron pills make me so hungover and sleepy I can’t wait to get off of them. I don’t see the psych until the tenth, it can’t come soon enough. On a lighter note I get to start seeing my therapist at 2 on Fridays so I don’t have to deal with traffic anymore. 
I’m so tired, I hope my friend cancels. I’d like to just sit here and veg for a while before I got to bed early.

Friday Without Sir

So as instructed I am starting with my positives from today.

My five positives for the day:

1. I packed up my $600 return items and put them out to go back to Amazon.

2. I got the letter to my CPA signed and ready to mail.

3. I put the SignAd tax documents into an envelope ready to be mailed to them with a note asking them to update their address since Jim has been dead for two years now.

4. I left work early and worked from home which was way more comfortable.

5. I was able to exchange the decaffeinated tea for regular tea this morning.

My positives aren’t in order, they are just in order as they came to my head.
I was told that a new report would be coming my way which needed to go out tonight. My coworker didn’t get the report to me until around five. I exported it, added the appendices and the bookmarks, then I realized that the section titles weren’t properly formatted. That meant I had to go back into the report change everything so it would be uniform and export it again followed by remaking the bookmarks. I just finally got it all done. Wow, what a day! I made sure to copy my boss on the final email so that she was aware that I worked late. She was out of the office today so I had to make sure that she knew how late I was working. I never want to feel like I am stealing hours from the company. I work a minimum of 40 hours, and I like to have documentation for that to back up my time sheet especially when I miss a day during the week.
I apologize for disappointing you; I have no encounter with Sir tonight. He offered dinner, but I really didn’t know how long it would take me to do this report. It was a good thing I didn’t agree to dinner since I had to redo the report once I had already finished it. I miss him, I want to see him soon. I have a friend coming over tomorrow so I can’t see Sir then. I plan to buy and plant some trees to replace three I lost over the past four years on Sunday. That makes Sunday out of the question as well. Maybe we can meet for dinner. I’d like that, at least I would get to see him even if we can’t have a session. I really hope my mom (who is a Master Gardner) will help me plant these trees and pick them out in the first place. I’d like some fast growing trees so they will block the late afternoon/evening sun.
I placed a dinner order for delivery only to be told that they don’t deliver after six at night. I guess I won’t eat dinner. There is nothing here that I want to eat, and I’ve had a vodka drink already so I’m really not hungry.
I feel so badly for canceling on Sir once again. I am to be punished, he said. I am okay with that, I deserve it. I want to show him and prove my devotion to him so I will take any punishment he gives me so that we can wipe the slate clean again. I’m very lucky that I have a kind and understanding Sir. He makes me feel beautiful when I don’t, cherished when I don’t, sexy when I don’t, and he makes me laugh. We have good banter. I admit that I’m pretty bratty, but that’s only because I haven’t learned how to fully give up control and fully submit to him. He is very patient, so I will learn.
That’s my story for tonight. I hope yours is more exciting!

Sir and I had another really bad miscommunication. He knows that I drink, and I drink a lot. He asked me to write an essay about the effects of alcohol on women. I wrote the essay. Instead of just responding that he appreciated my effort, he followed up with asking me a bunch of questions. Instead of answering his questions I told him that I know that I have issues and that I am working on my issues as per his suggestions. I felt attacked, but apparently he didn’t mean it to be an attack. We separated, that was the end of us. Then I responded to his email and we managed to talk things out via text. Sir agreed to lay off his criticism of my alcohol consumption. It took a little more back and forth before we both agreed that we wanted to be with each other. Sir and I are now fine. I am very happy about that. 

Therapy Thursday

Change to the blog starting today. I am to start each blog with five positives regardless of how minor they may seem, so here goes.

1. I remembered the donuts for work this morning and everyone ate them all.

2. The kid had a great day, so that makes me happy.

3. I was not in a low today, I think I can see the ledge I fell off of finally.

4. I had a good therapy session, she will send me some coping skills to try.

5. My mood seems relatively light.

Now back to reality. I was late to work which upsets me, but I did make it in time to get the donuts set up and make a fresh pot of coffee for employee appreciation day. I accomplished nothing while working. I think I sent one email about my doctor’s appointment on Monday afternoon, and one email giving an update although there was no actual update. I read the internet all day.

On my way out to the suburbs to meet my therapist, I managed to get behind every single person on the freeway who leaves five car lengths in front of them in otherwise bumper to bumper traffic. That really drives me nuts! What’s worse is when you switch lanes get way ahead of them and then they pass you! Grr!
Slow day, not much to report. I am supposed to meet Sir tomorrow. I don’t know what time yet; I have to work late to finish making up for missing Monday. So more on Saturday most likely unless I get home at a reasonable hour on Friday night.

Major update: The Queen of England is missing! While Bryn and I were in London last Christmas we bought several London themed tree ornaments. One of those ornaments was of The Queen of England. Maisie found her early on when the tree first went up. Once the tree and other decorations were put away I thought I was done. Then Pigeon shows up with the Queen of England in his mouth. I took it from him and placed it on the kitchen bar to put away later. Her hang-thread is still on the bar, the Queen herself is missing. Don’t tell Britain, I’ll find her as quickly as I can!

Whacked Wednesday

I am so tired. I don’t know why, I am just so tired. My back is still aching from when I tweaked it last Thursday. I don’t know how that happened either. Sir told me to take something, and I did when I left him on Friday but I haven’t taken anything since. I’m afraid I may have aggravated it since I’m walking a little weird to accommodate it.
Sir sent me a funny ad from FetLife that pertained to our situation, but what’s he doing there? I get into trouble when I ask that question. It’s not a sub’s place to question Sir. So I retract my question.
I really have nothing new to say today, so I shall leave you with this random thought:  I love The Mary Tyler Moore Show, she had a great life. May she Rest In Peace.

Too Early Tuesday

I awoke a little before three this morning. I got up thinking being out of bed for a bit would show me that I am actually tired and ready to go back to bed. Once I was back in bed, I realized I was quite awake. By almost four-thirty I had colored my hair, showered, and gotten dressed for my workday. I planned to go in early and stay late to make up some of the hours from missing yesterday. Staying late will depend on how I feel considering the early rising. I went into the office at 6:30, it’s eerie going into the building that early, not even the front desk security guard had made it in yet. I wasn’t the first in the office, there was at least one other person besides me because I saw the light, but I didn’t go investigate. I made sure to IM my boss in SC so she knew how early I got in and that I was making up time. She later told me that she will be moving and leaving the company at the end of February. I think my counterpart in SC deserves and can do the job excellently, but I have no idea who they will put in that position. It’s still somewhat of a secret at this point.

I went from one extreme to the other, one night I can’t get enough sleep, the following I am up at a ridiculous time. I am utterly exhausted. My eyes hurt, my jaw hurts, and my head hurts. I got a good 10.5 hours in at work today, so that’s a plus. Depression is a b****, I’d love to have a normal sleeping pattern, a normal day, and maybe just feel happy for no reason for a change. I have friends that I spend time with at their lake house. There are usually a bunch of us; I am the only one in the group that can’t just go to bed and fall asleep. When I was on Ambien I would wake back up, pour myself a drink, go out onto the deck where the remaining people were, smoke a cigarette, and hold a completely comprehensible conversation before I got back up and went to bed for the second time. I never remembered these occurances, but I was told about them. Why can’t I just be normal? I discussed my idea of normal with my therapist this past week. I’d like to go to bed at a decent hour without help, I’d like to feel like there isn’t a weight on my heart, I’d like to follow through with everything I say I am going to do, I’d like to just be… No diagnosis, no meds, no effort to get out of the house; just be…

The kid brought me Persian food for dinner, so thoughtful.

I was a bit concerned when I didn’t hear from Sir even though I texted him about forty minutes early tonight then once again at our normal time. I have missed our chats even though it’s only been since Friday that we had an in-depth one. Sir took the afternoon off to get some well deserved sleep and spend time with his family. I am somewhat relieved about that. I had texted him twice and he normally responds fairly quickly, and this time he didn’t. He sent me an email that I didn’t check when it came it. Sir is fine, I am fine, we are fine. All is right in my world. I fear I sound a little obsessed. I certainly don’t feel like I am obsessed, but when you are used to a particular response it’s disheartening when you don’t receive it on a particular day. So I shall take my meds, crawl into bed, and watch mindless sitcom reruns until I fall asleep.

Good night Sir!

Down Monday

I thought I could skip my morning Adderall since I had slept around 14 hours. Nope. I didn’t get up for work and now I am extrememly angry with myself. I will take my Adderall tomorrow and I will be at work on time or earlier. I need to make up the hours from today so I don’t have to use my banked time off.
That’s it. That was my day, being angry with myself.

Late Saturday

Well, I did a few things today so I feel accomplished. My first baby step from my therapist was to pack my gym bag. I did it!

My girlfriend came over and we have been having a good time. She loves the kid, and the kid loves her. We had a great dinner at my favorite Mexican place. They weren’t happy that we showed up fifteen minutes before closing. They were very nice anyway and it was good. The kid drove us home since I had a magarita while we were there.

I set up a bio on AirBNB for my guest room for Super Bowl weekend. My friend is trying to figure out if I did it properly. I’m not sure if we can work it out tonight.

I only had a short chat with Sir tonight. I would have rathered if I had a longer conversation with him, but he might actually get some good sleep tonight. I really hope he does. Sir works very hard and doesn’t sleep enough. I don’t know when I will see him again, so I am thankful for the time we were able to chat together 
That’s about all I have tonight because I have been drinking and can’t stay focused. Good night all.