Sir contacted me while I was at work to explain that he probably wouldn’t be available during our normal 8 o’clock chat. That’s fine, I know he’s busy this weekend. He did however give me an order. I am to read the following three times while sitting on the floor then I am to blog a quick note.
Here’s what he wants me to read:
The Wisdom In Surrender
When does the wisdom in surrender happen for a submissive? It happens when, you surrender everything you are to your Dominant husband. What it’s NOT about is what you think you can do, manipulate or what you think you’re going to get back. A submissive’s surrender is in the wisdom that there isn’t anything you won’t do to please him, and by pleasing your husDOM, you will find pleasure in just doing that. You omit those ideas that you control the boundaries of your dynamics. Your Dominant sets those boundaries, keeping your best interests at heart. Knowing, everything he wants you to do or try is a way to prove your love and devotion to him. You trust him to never ask too much or push you too far, but only to stretch you in ways that sometimes are uncomfortable but afterwards emotionally rewarding. When you can do that, you find out there’s lots of things about your surrender that keeps you submissive. Keep this in mind if you’re only beginning this journey. Seasoned submissives, live by this and put it in your daily submissive morning mantra.
This is the wisdom in surrender and my wisdom to pass on.
So I have done this activity. I did it with no expectations, no forethought, I simply did it because Sir asked me. I know he wanted me to read it because I wouldn’t remove my underthings while we were at the restaurant the other night. He wants me to understand that he would never have me do something to put me in an embarrassing situation or to compromise my wellbeing. So here I am and I don’t feel any more submissive than before, I don’t feel more connected to Sir than I did before, and I have a little resentment that I have homework after working at my regular job until six this evening. I know he is trying to train me, but I am not sure I am truly trainable. Besides, this woman is writing about a husband, Sir and I are lucky if we see each other once a week. I like our sessions, I obey as I’m supposed to while we are together, but life gets in the way of all the superfluous orders and assignments. I’m just not sure I can get to the point of submission that he truly wants. I’d like to, but I don’t see it happening. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sir dropped me after this.
I saw the psychiatrist today, he upped my meds again. He didn’t ask me very much and I didn’t offer very much. I see him again in a month next time. I think he’s happy with how the meds have been working for me although I truly don’t feel much different today; I’m afraid I may be headed into another low. Hopefully the meds have had time to get into my system and this low won’t be as bad as the last one. It’s cycled back pretty quickly though which I don’t like. I’ll talk to the psychologist next week about it and see what she thinks.
Yes, I’m definitely heading into a low. It’s not a light low either. Tears for no reason, heaviness on my chest, the hole in the pit of my stomach, and the lack of any motivation to do anything whatsoever. Luckily the kid is at the dad’s house this weekend so I don’t have to hide my emotions like I normally do. At least I have a girlfriend coming over to hang out with me in a short while. Maybe that will help. It usually does while I’m around people, but once they leave I’m back to my empty self.
I’ll write if things get better.