Too Early Tuesday

I awoke a little before three this morning. I got up thinking being out of bed for a bit would show me that I am actually tired and ready to go back to bed. Once I was back in bed, I realized I was quite awake. By almost four-thirty I had colored my hair, showered, and gotten dressed for my workday. I planned to go in early and stay late to make up some of the hours from missing yesterday. Staying late will depend on how I feel considering the early rising. I went into the office at 6:30, it’s eerie going into the building that early, not even the front desk security guard had made it in yet. I wasn’t the first in the office, there was at least one other person besides me because I saw the light, but I didn’t go investigate. I made sure to IM my boss in SC so she knew how early I got in and that I was making up time. She later told me that she will be moving and leaving the company at the end of February. I think my counterpart in SC deserves and can do the job excellently, but I have no idea who they will put in that position. It’s still somewhat of a secret at this point.

I went from one extreme to the other, one night I can’t get enough sleep, the following I am up at a ridiculous time. I am utterly exhausted. My eyes hurt, my jaw hurts, and my head hurts. I got a good 10.5 hours in at work today, so that’s a plus. Depression is a b****, I’d love to have a normal sleeping pattern, a normal day, and maybe just feel happy for no reason for a change. I have friends that I spend time with at their lake house. There are usually a bunch of us; I am the only one in the group that can’t just go to bed and fall asleep. When I was on Ambien I would wake back up, pour myself a drink, go out onto the deck where the remaining people were, smoke a cigarette, and hold a completely comprehensible conversation before I got back up and went to bed for the second time. I never remembered these occurances, but I was told about them. Why can’t I just be normal? I discussed my idea of normal with my therapist this past week. I’d like to go to bed at a decent hour without help, I’d like to feel like there isn’t a weight on my heart, I’d like to follow through with everything I say I am going to do, I’d like to just be… No diagnosis, no meds, no effort to get out of the house; just be…

The kid brought me Persian food for dinner, so thoughtful.

I was a bit concerned when I didn’t hear from Sir even though I texted him about forty minutes early tonight then once again at our normal time. I have missed our chats even though it’s only been since Friday that we had an in-depth one. Sir took the afternoon off to get some well deserved sleep and spend time with his family. I am somewhat relieved about that. I had texted him twice and he normally responds fairly quickly, and this time he didn’t. He sent me an email that I didn’t check when it came it. Sir is fine, I am fine, we are fine. All is right in my world. I fear I sound a little obsessed. I certainly don’t feel like I am obsessed, but when you are used to a particular response it’s disheartening when you don’t receive it on a particular day. So I shall take my meds, crawl into bed, and watch mindless sitcom reruns until I fall asleep.

Good night Sir!