My five positives for today:
1. I got to work thirty minutes early to help make up for the time I will miss by leaving early for my doctor’s appointment this afternoon.
2. I get to leave work at 3:00 because of my doctor’s appointment.
3. I showered and I’m wearing makeup. Those two things don’t always happen every day, I usually forgo one, the other, or both.
4. I’ve started my mandatory first aid training, even though it’s really boring I have gotten through the first module out of five.
5. I have taken another baby step towards my health, I have chosen to drink a LOT more water. If I have a Diet Pepsi, it will only be one or half of one a day.
And now for Sir and me:
(Please keep in mind while reading this next bit that I do not disagree with Sir…)
Sir is very upset with me. He told me that I do not offer myself to him enough. This is where we clash: me having an independent but also submissive personality, and him expecting servitude. I agree that I don’t offer myself to him enough, I simply feel like he is asking more from me than we decided I could give. It’s like a work/life balance.
I have to have time to do certain things in my home and for my kid. He understands all of that, and is usually very kind about it. What he doesn’t understand is that I have no idea what his schedule is like, when he must be at the office, when he is just on call, when he is at home, when he is visiting family; I know none of this so I would have to offer myself daily to strike oil once in a while. When I do ask about his work and home life he shuts me down like I am being nosy, but I just want to know more about him and his daily events.
I’m not available daily, nor do I have enough spare time to meet with Sir more than twice a week maximum. That’s why I always want Sir to dictate when we should meet. I have a set schedule at work unless I have to stay late for a report that is due, then I would have to work until it is completed which could mean between seven and nine o’clock sometimes. But that doesn’t happen all that often. It does seem to happen on Friday a lot since the engineers spend the week on site to gather the info.
We clash about meeting a lot, but that is my fault: I have anxiety issues about my body and how I smell, so meeting right after work makes me very nervous. I want to be freshly showered, teeth brushed, dressed well, and made up when I meet Sir. I am always concerned about smelling badly, not shaving, wearing a mismatched bra and panties, etc. These are my anxieties when I must meet up with Sir. If I have time for a shower and to get primped I am usually fine, if not I have to take an antianxiety med to get me there. If I know a session won’t be happening and we would just be meeting for dinner I can relax a little, but I am still nervous about making an error or causing Sir to feel slighted.
Here is where we clashed this weekend: First Sir asked me on Saturday if my friend had arrived. I responded that she hadn’t and was due later in the evening. He made no mention of being available or if I could cancel my plans. On Sunday, Sir asked me what my plans were (not if I could meet him, mind you) so I responded with a short to-do list. The full list would have been too much to type into a text. I also didn’t mention the kid I think, figuring we would get to it eventually. Because Sir works so many hours every week, he has people to do the things that need to get done around his house. I do not. I have a maid that comes once a month, the rest I have to maintain myself. The kid doesn’t typically do any chores because I would prefer the focus be on school work.
Sunday was my chore day and I was unavailable this weekend because
1. I had to work late on Friday (This was our original date night)
2. On Saturday I had a friend come over who is depressed because she lost her job, turns out she has two weeks to pay up or they will start foreclosing on her house so she is a mess. (Sir thinks I should have canceled this and asked if Sir could meet me)
3. Sunday the kid was coming home and we wanted to spend some time together after my chores
Sir took my chore list as a slight towards him because apparently (according to him) my taking out the trash is more important than he is. That certainly is not the case. I had chores that had to be done on Sunday and there was no getting around that. The trash had to be out for Monday pick up which includes getting the trash from every room in the house, plus no one else is going to clean the litter box, no one else is going to empty and load the dishwasher, no one else will pick up around the house, no one else will feed and water the cats for the week, no one else will get the coffee maker ready for Monday morning, no one else will put my laundry away, and no one else will pack my lunch for work on Monday. All of these things took time and needed to be done before Monday. This is all stuff I usually take care of on Sundays so I’m ready to start my work week. I am not good at motivating myself, so if I get some things done on Sunday I am very proud of myself. I was actually pretty proud of myself until Sir and I started texting; then I felt like a letdown and very small suddenly. I wanted to crawl into a ball at the back of my closet to cry.
I am being punished by Sir for the following infractions:
1. Cancelling on him on Friday (although work is a valid excuse for a cancellation)
2. For not offering myself to him on Saturday or Sunday
3. For not being available to Sir often enough
4. Neglecting Sir
5. For not begging Sir to see him throughout the week/weekend
6. For being a brat
Sir is giving me the worst punishment imaginable to me – radio silence. I am supposed to continue my blog and text Sir at our designated time, but he will not respond to me on Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday I am to text Sir at noon, he will decide then if he wants to respond to me and if he wants to make time for me. Essentially, he is ghosting me for three days and it is a mind game that messes with my depression. I was in tears last night when he told me that he wouldn’t respond to me until possibly Wednesday or when he felt like I had returned to my position as his dutiful sub. As soon as we finished texting I went straight to bed upset, lonely, and sad.
Speaking of being sad; against medical advice (from my mom and a physician), as of Sunday night, I have quit taking the Remeron that was prescribed to me. I have decided that I can put up with possible irritability, light headedness, and headaches for a few days rather than eat myself into a 200 pound monster. I feel fine today. I have extreme dry mouth, but I have two large bottles of Fiji Water with me so I can deal with that. I was able to get up this morning with no trouble. I was early to work instead of late like I had been all last week, including not being able to get up at all last Monday and missing work. I have two other antidepressants that I take in the mornings, so I really don’t think I need to be on a third especially with the side effects I have had. The craving for sugar has been the worst, I couldn’t get enough sweets and I really don’t eat sweets. I was ordering cheesecake, getting ice cream, scarfing cookies, anything I could get my hands on I was eating. The voracious appetite won’t be missed either. I have a lap-band and this med made me ravenous which meant that I ate until I vomited then I would eat some more because I was still hungry. That is not good for my band, my stomach, my teeth, or my health. So I am confident in my decision not to take this particular med anymore. Sir will not like this because he also told me not to get off of it cold turkey because of the withdrawal possibility. I can live with the withdrawals for a few days to get rid of the side effects.
I just got home from the GP and he told me not to worry about getting off the Remeron because I had only been on it for about a month and he didn’t think the withdrawals would be of any concern. So good, that’s settled.
I’ll go ahead an post this and add to it if anything else pops up between now and bedtime.
I’ve done my nightly bedtime routine so I am off to bed, but I feel like I need to report that Sir broke the radio silence and we will meet this week when he is available and I will gladly show up wherever I am to be. I didn’t want to leave you hanging, I’m happy again.