Monday, Tuesday

Monday

 

Five positives:

  1.  It isn’t snowing here.
  2. I was up early and arrived thirty minutes early to work.
  3. I got a lot done at work today.
  4. Even though work was hectic and go, go, go, I did a good job.
  5. My kid makes me laugh every day.

 

What an intense day I had a work. I’m pretty tired. I’ve been up since 5:30 even though I don’t officially start work until 7:30. I got there early which means I can go in late on Friday by thirty minutes. That’s a nice little perk. I on-boarded a new employee, had three back to back meetings, couldn’t finish my lunch because it was disgusting, and got out a last minute report that really should have gone out Friday (not my fault).

 

I am to meet Sir shortly. So I shall write until it’s time to leave, he is still working. The Terror has been racing around the house this evening and everything is a toy, including the other cats. I really need to scoop that litter box, but I’m so comfy in my chair. I can feel a low coming on, but I don’t know what to do to help it. I have tried some of the coping skills my therapist helped me discover, but they don’t seem to be working.

 

I went to meet Sir. We were going to have a conversation, no session, just a conversation. It’s not a scary conversation, our relationship doesn’t hang in the balance so I am not sure what caused me to have a reaction in the parking lot. My low was getting a little more intense so I tried thinking of nice things and visualizing my happy place. I was waiting for a short while, people were walking back and forth through the parking lot, cars were coming in and out of the parking lot, the lights were bright, the music was too loud, I couldn’t turn it down far enough, but I also couldn’t turn it off. I texted Sir as my agitation grew saying it was taking a long time (I think I may have only been sitting there for ten minutes). Then it hit me. PANIC ATTACK! The tears started first, my chest clenched, my stomach felt like someone had punched it. I had to go. I had to get home. I needed to be home. I texted Sir one last time to tell him I was having an attack and I had to go. He called while I was still in the area. We spoke briefly, I don’t remember exactly what was said, but he was concerned. When I hung up I rolled down the windows and opened the sun roof to try to keep myself from disassociating. It didn’t seem to help. I would go for stretches of the road and not even realize I had gone so far. I couldn’t stop staring blankly into nothing at each stop light. I could only focus on the car brake lights ahead of me. I knew it was happening and I couldn’t stop it. Once I got to my neighborhood I had finally stopped crying. I pulled into the garage and texted Sir that I was home. Once inside I sought out the kid for a huge hug. Sir texted me a short time later as I sat in my favorite chair trying to calm down. He instructed me to splash cold water on my face, take my med, and to relax. I did as I was told and started feeling better, but the sleepiness hit me like a brick wall. Bed. I needed bed. I crawled in only removing my shoes and I slept hard until 5:45 this morning. Today I feel badly for letting down Sir, but last night all I could focus on was home.

 

Tuesday

 

Five positives:

  1. I survived another panic attack even though it felt like I was dying.
  2. I have a kind and understanding Sir who was concerned about me.
  3. I have a kind and understanding Kid who loves me.
  4. I am early to work, that’s an extra hour of sleep on Friday.
  5. I’m ready to start writing again.

 

I am somewhat better today, I just feel a bit low. It’s a little like I’m in a fog or a cloud, but my stomach has unclenched, my heart-rate is normal, and I am okay as I relived the attack when I wrote it above. I am to text Sir today. We don’t normally chat during the day as we both work and never really know how our days will go, so it will be a nice break in my day to get a text from Sir.

 

Writing, I don’t know if I will continue writing one of the novels I have already started or if I will start a new one. I had almost gotten to the end of one of them, maybe I should finish it. It needs major editing because it’s way too long. I started one about my experience with Sir that has piqued my interest somewhat. It’s a decision I will need to make wisely so I don’t just give up like I had before. The four novels I finished and published took a total of two years for me to complete. I was writing and editing every day, reading and rereading every word. That’s how I lost interest in Game of Thrones, my late husband would be watching it as I wrote but I couldn’t fully pay attention and by season two I was lost.

 

I feel like today is going to be a long day. I don’t have much on my plate so far; place a supply order, finish on my first aid training, and mail out an NSA. UPDATE: I completed all my tasks for today and I still have thirty minutes to go. So I actually finished that whole First Aid training today, next week is the skills session. I am not looking forward to attending some on-site class though. New people, new situation, no one I know around; that’s pretty scary to me. I don’t even know how long that class is supposed to be but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s going to be like four hours. Hopefully they hold it during the week and I won’t have to get up early on a Saturday to take it. That would ruin my day. UPDATE: I convinced my pregnant friend to join me in the class so I will have a buddy while I’m there. So relieved! Plus, it’s only three hours and it isn’t terribly far away.

 

Speaking of ruining my day; I finally stepped on the scale today. The Remeron that had me eating voraciously made me gain ten pounds. TEN pounds! In one month! I’m glad I’m off it and I’m glad my appetite has gone back to normal. Now if I can just stick to my eating plan the doctor gave me, I might lose this weight once and for all. I wonder if I would still be thin if my late husband hadn’t gotten sick. He knew he couldn’t do anything for me while I took care of him so his only offering was food. Lot’s of food and bad-for-me food at that. Now, I’m stuck with the cravings; I’ll get past those though. I still love him for it, he did what he could while he withered away. I can’t think about him now, I’ll start crying again.

 

Different subject… Taxes. I’ve started my taxes. I finally got my last two W-2s so now I can really get going, at least I’ve started them. It will have to be a Saturday project because the packet from the CPA is pretty labor-intensive. I think I have all the other information I need, I guess I’ll find out once I get deeper into it.

 

I chatted with Sir, although fairly briefly. We still need to talk, and we will. I made reservations for us on Friday so that is a definite. I can go after work, shower and primp, and be ready for when Sir arrives.

 

Time for me to go home, I’ll write more later if anything comes up.

I had a nice chat with Sir tonight. I am supposed to be in bed, and I am headed that way, but I wanted to post so that there is no misconception about how I feel about my Sir and how my Sir feels about me. We have gotten very close in the past few weeks, and I believe we will grow closer still. He is so kind and understanding when I have episodes I can’t help but appreciate that I found a nice, kind, caring Dom my first try. As he suggested, I posted an excerpt from the novel I am working on to FetLife to see if anyone has any criticism or encouragement for me. This is a book about a rich girl going to New York to make her dream happen, she just never expected to be drawn into an alternative lifestyle with a man she cannot resist.
Sir and I will definitely see each other on Friday. I assume we will speak first. Maybe I need to find a nice quiet restaurant for us to start in before we retire to our “home” for our session. He is so good to me, I would like to please him beyond belief. In the beginning I thought he was adding to my depression and anxiety, now I know he is my outlet to get away from it. He is my coping mechanism. Of course I am learning more coping skills as I go through therapy, but being able to vent, cry, chat, and get a warm hug from him has brought me a long way from the low I had been in since July. Last night was the first time I cried since December. That’s a really good record. Sir has everything to do with that. He found me the psychiatrist who changed my meds, he encouraged me to seek counseling, and he is there for me every single day regardless of how busy his day is (and they are busy!). I owe him a debt of gratitude.
So now I am off to bed and I shall write again tomorrow.

 

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