Here are my five positives for the day:
- My Kid and my mother have both noticed the upswing in my mood lately.
- Sir has noticed as well.
- My new schedule was approved so I get to leave work at 5 instead of 5:30.
- Being able to work later on Fridays means I can actually help the team instead of saying, “Sorry, I have to leave.”
- I got to assist the CEO with a proposal today.
Work was boring, just a few things going on this morning and nothing this afternoon. I caught what would have been a major error on my part in time before the binders went out to the client. I was able to replace the drawings; no harm, no foul.
My drunk neighbor got home last night and saw my rental car in the driveway, my friend’s car at the curb while my friend (who is black, I am not) was on the phone dealing with some drama. Neighbor came bounding into the house once my friend LET HER IN. She comes up to me in the living room asking if I’m okay, and what’s going on, and why are all those cars in my driveway. Well she must have been seeing double because there were precisely two cars in my driveway – the rental and the Kid’s. The fact that the black woman in the yard actually walked her to the door and let her in was completely lost on her drunk mind. She kept asking me if I was okay in between telling me she was at the bar, “You know I worry about you!” I appreciate the sentiment, but text me you fool! If I don’t text back then maybe something is going on in my house. If someone walks you to the door and lets you in, there is nothing nefarious going on in my house. Luckily, she didn’t insist on staying for a drink and just went on home. I texted my friend this morning to see if she was okay and to apologize for my drunk (and racist) neighbor. She’s gotten a taste of them before at one of my parties. Everyone was trying to get away from the drunk husband. AND THEY BUILT A GATE BETWEEN OUR HOUSES! At least it’s better than having a true neighbor from hell next door.
I found out from Sir that there will be a ceremony when I am collared. While I was visiting my friend this weekend she asked half joking, but I thought she was just being silly. Turns out she wasn’t. Sir is still wary of the psychological aspects of me being collared. I don’t know if he plans to go through with it, or if he is going to wait a while to see how things are going. It was my idea in the first place. I had mentioned it in passing before, but he didn’t really respond. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t in the right state of mind back then to have been collared. I’m aware of all it entails, and I think my mind is finally in a fairly stable place with these new meds and the new job. Last weekend was just rough on me with it being my anniversary and my late husband’s birthday yesterday. I still get comments from his Facebook page, I don’t have the password to turn them off, so I have to read all these wonderful things about the love of my life who I will never see again. That’s a tough realization to come to, but I have and I am ready to move forward with my life. That’s what he wanted. I have to keep telling myself that.
Reasons I feel I am ready to be collared:
- I am only here for Sir’s pleasure.
- I only want to please Sir. Pleasing Sir pleases me.
- I respect Sir and want to prove beyond a doubt that I am committed to our coupling.
- A collar would make me feel special the same way an engagement ring would a courting female.
- I am not looking for (nor am I receiving) attention from any other man.
- I am aware that the collar is Sir’s property, and as happy as I would be to wear it proudly, I would be equally devestated if I had to return it to Sir.
- It would represent what we mean to each other.
Of course the collaring and/or ceremony would be Sir’s and only Sir’s decision, I just want to prove that I think I am ready. We are having our first session in many weeks this Friday. I’m looking forward to it. I have no sense of impending doom, I have no reservations, after the busy day I will have Friday, it will be a welcome release for me. I have work until 1:30 which will probably be pretty stressful. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist. I have therapy, which if she doesn’t quit with the experimental crud that isn’t working on me I’m out. And I have to pick up my car from the body shop so I won’t have time to shower and be as fresh as I like to be, well, maybe I can. I think I might be able to still get to our place pretty early in the evening. As long as everything falls correctly into place I should be able to take care of myself just in time.
Yay! The maid comes tomorrow! That’s my sixth positive.
UPDATE: While chatting with Sir he discounted the collar I selected. He said he wanted to get me something nicer, perhaps a set. Even though he wants to select something special for me I still feel rejected. I selected the piece because it looks a lot like a collar, it’s from Tiffany, and it has a matching bracelet. I thought about it long and hard; making and admitting I was ready to take this step was huge for me. I have had tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach since he first said he wanted something more special for me. It felt like an excuse not to collar me, but a leather collar and leash in private is okay by him. I don’t understand the leash. I am completely submissive to him during our sessions and I obey orders when he gives them to me – he already leads me around by my pony tail, why must I be leashed as well? I know my feelings are completely irrational and borderline insane, but the pain of rejection is real to me. I don’t understand why I feel this way nor can I fully explain it. I just know that I made a gesture towards Sir that I was proud of and he shot it down. Regardless of the good reason he gave me, it was shot down. Now I’m down and I don’t know why. Have any of you ever felt irrationally down and slighted?
UPDATE UPDATE: I can’t sleep. I’ll be fine tomorrow, but for now I just need to feel down for a while. When my med kicks in, I will go to bed and try to sleep, but I’m pretty sure I know how this night will go and it won’t be easy. I need to get myself past this feeling. My therapist is so focused on the bull-sh*t therapy she wanted to try out (I’m the guinea pig) she hasn’t given me actual coping skills. I will use my usual coping skills: having a drink, tossing and turning all night, being late to work, and almost getting fired. That should work out great I think. I’m low, I’m really low. It’s amazing how a few words can spiral me into a depressive state. I hate being like this and I want to feel better, normal. I should be able to get past this without feeling rejected by Sir.
Ta ta again.