If you read yesterday’s entry you will know that I was very low last night and felt rejected by my Sir. I am back to my normal self today, feeling fine. I knew I just needed to get through the night… (More on that later.)
- I came out of my low much quicker than I used to.
- Although I was late to work, no one really noticed. (Not that that’s an excuse!)
- My house will be clean and the sheets will be changed when I get home.
- I have actively stopped myself three times from ordering something online on a whim.
- My new Louis will be here tomorrow! (That was a whim from 8 weeks ago, doesn’t count.)
I knew I would be late today, and I was by twenty minutes. This was not a self-fulfilling prophecy, I just know myself really well and what I am and am not capable of doing. If I am in a low when I go to bed sleep will not come easily even with a sleeping pill. I walked in and the CEO was in town and speaking to one of the engineers near my desk. I greeted her and not an eyelash was batted. That was pretty lucky on my part.
Sir sent me two articles in response to my feelings in my updates yesterday. I’d like to share them with you:
While the articles discuss the subject of a collar and being collared, they don’t alleviate the feelings of rejection I had yesterday. I now understand the leather collar Sir has would be my “collar of consideration” but that doesn’t tell me what the need for a leash is. I appreciate the articles for what they are, informative and historic, but sending them without any message attached leaves me with more questions. Does he expect more submission on my part if I am collared? We discussed this in the past and I cannot disrupt certain aspects of my life to be submissive, so there is an extent to which I am willing and able to submit. Does he think I’m being a brat about this? On many occasions I have been accused of being a brat by Sir. I admit to some of them, but where my feelings are concerned I don’t consider that being bratty, that’s being protective of myself.
I am okay with waiting for a collar, I no longer feel rejected (just dejected though). I am also okay with the leather collar Sir has for me, my “collar of consideration”. I am still curious about need/want for the leash. A leash symbolizes a dog to me, one that is fully controlled by it’s master, one that cannot go or do as one wishes without some slack on the lead. No. The main reason our relationship has been improving is because I don’t feel like a slave or a dog. I’m not given tasks outside of our sessions any more (other than texting him at a specific time and blogging daily), I am allowed my alone time, I can isolate if I choose to, and all-in-all I make my own decisions. Dogs and slaves cannot do that; I keep my hair long for this very reason, so Sir has something to hold me by. The picture that pops into my head when I hear leash in this scenario is of me on the floor on all fours without any clothes on except for a collar and a leash and Sir is riding me like a horse. The word “humiliation” also comes to mind. But this is what Sir wants me to consider. He said he wouldn’t make me do anything I considered humiliating, but how could he not realize that a leash would be humiliating to me? So, do I try it because Sir desires it or do I forgo it because I do not desire it. What’s more important here? I think that’s a question only Sir can answer for me.
That’s my response to yesterday’s emotions and blog. I’m may write more later.
I have had some chats with Sir. We will be meeting for dinner this evening. He says to forget about the leash for now, just as I heard his explanation for it and was willing to try for him. The leather collar is not one of “consideration” it is merely for sessions and to get used to. Although the actual collar would be a gift, Sir feels like I am trying to save him money and he just wants to make sure I truly love the collar as I would be the one wearing it every day. I fully understand the implications of being collared as I stated in my post yesterday, there are 7 reasons I feel I am ready to be collard by Sir, he still isn’t so sure I completely understand. I do (pun intended).
I’ll finish writing after dinner this evening.
After dinner UPDATE:
Dinner was excellent. We had a wager; whoever arrived last had to pay. That’s a deal I will always make, Sir is notoriously late. We talked everything out and have a better understanding of what the other is/was/will be expecting. The second necklace I picked out from Tiffany turned out to be less expensive than the first which is where part of the misunderstanding came from, of course I didn’t look at the price, I never do. I can’t tell you how much a dozen eggs or a gallon of milk costs. If I had to survive on the cash in my purse while shopping I would always have to put a bunch of things back because I just don’t look at the prices. It’s a flaw my late husband hated, but joked about. Now that I’m on my own I am trying to pay more attention, but if I want the facial tissue with lotion as opposed to the cheaper non-lotion kind I’m getting the kind with lotion, I don’t care how much more it costs. There are certain things you simply can’t compromise on, and when you have a cold that lotion is heaven-sent.
Sir was of course kind, understanding, caring, and funny. I enjoy spending time with him when he isn’t the professional Dom as much as I enjoy our sessions. We’ve really grown these past six months even if our time together is limited. Tonight was as if we were texting each other, the comments came quickly and poignantly. The hearing problem and the ever so slight language barrier were as if they were non-exsistant. One of the parts I loved the best were the silly photos of him and his Kids. It’s nice to see that he has such a great connection with them, it makes him more human to me, and more appealing.
Friday we will select a “collar” for me. Sir wants it to be a set, I know I would like that as well (I love things that match). I’m willing to see what Sir thinks is appropriate, and I hope that he is open to see what I truly like. Either way, I’m sure it will be beautiful and I will cherish it because Sir gave it to me.
That’s finally it for my Wednesday, ta ta.