The Following Tuesday

Other than the fact that I am still unemployed, I only have little to report. My girlfriends all know and while we were at a birthday party this weekend my guy friend paid my share and his wife didn’t grouse. That was a nice gesture. I love that couple, besides my Smurfy they have been here for me through thick and thin. I feel like I should host a dinner, but I’m scared to spend any money because I don’t know how long this unemployment will last. 

I haven’t seen or spoken to Sir in several days. I had a small bowl of mac and cheese for dinner last week and his response was to ask me if I planned to use my unemployment to blow up to 300 pounds. That really hurt my feelings, made me cry, and cut me to the core. He knows I’m self-conscience about my weight but he chose to rub it in regardless. I really think Sir doesn’t know me at all even though we have been intimately involved for almost a year, and I trust him imfatically. I’m not into humiliation and I felt like he was trying to humiliate me even though we never agreed on that point. It’s not the first time this has come up, but because the other incidents were so off the cuff and innocuous I let them go. I’m afraid Sir might want someone to humiliate as opposed to a sub that has her own free will.

Recently I have had to deal with my second dad going missing for 9 hours, losing my job, being in a severe low, and considering how easy it would be to finish everything. I can’t do that to Kid. Kid needs a lot of support right now and over the next few years. Kid’s dad and I have been working together for the first time since we were married. We split up in 2002 when Kid was only 2 and it was tumultuous, acrimonious, and volitile. I’m very happy we can now deal with our child calmly and productively. Hopefully he will also find a job soon so kid’s college will be taken care of because I am considering going back to school. I’d like to finish my degree and I only have 2 years left, it’s really stupid for me not to. I just need to borrow the funds to do it. I may not even be accepted to the school, but one can hope.

I am so anxious about not having a job and having to live off savings, I can barely focus on anything other than my situation and my knotted stomach. I don’t even want contact with Sir because I can’t give him the adoration he deserves. I need to get through this on my own so I will (hopefully) come out on the other side happier and stronger. Thank goodness I have the savings. I just hope I find a new job before I run out of money

I am so sorry to be a Debbie-Downer, but this is my life right now, such as it is.

Ta ta for now

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Terrible Tuesday

I lost my job today. When the new boss was announced in April my eyes went wide. She was NOT the type of person I wanted to work for in any capacity. It was bad enough that she was militant on the expense reports and supply orders I submitted. Once she took the position above me, it was painfully obvious that she wanted me gone. She nitpicked every single thing I did that she was aware of. She was in a different state and a different office. She got her way, she got rid of me and made it look like I do nothing but make mistakes. What I did in the office that she never saw wasn’t taken into account, the excellent deliverables I did over the past month weren’t taken into consideration, the only thing that was taken into consideration was the fact that this militant micro-manager wanted me gone. So I am unemployed again for the third time since my husband died.

 

I applied for over twenty positions today and I plan to do the same tomorrow, the next day, and the next day, and the next day until I finally find a job. I only have so much money in the bank and it won’t last me more than a few months.

 

I feel like a complete failure. I was actually good at that job and I really enjoyed it. You can’t change how someone feels about you. I am angry, I am sad, I am frustrated, and I am at the end of my rope.

 

The only thing that keeps me from seeking out a heroin dealer is my kid. I’ve never done heroin but an overdose seems so simple and easy. All I would have to do is get over my fear of needles and slowly fall into the abyss. It seems so simple. However, I have to get through this. I have to become stable again because Kid’s college starts in a year. I want to see my kid graduate, I want to be there when he gets married, I want to meet my grand-kids, I want to be there for all the firsts in my kid’s life. I have to be there.

 

It would be so easy to just let it go and end it all, but no one has ever said life was easy. I hate this life, I hope I’m given a better one next time. I love my child, but at the moment I do not love my life.

 

Sorry for the downer post but I’m down. Very low down.

 

Ta ta for now

 

 

I’m Back In Full Force

My mood has been fairly good for a while now minus the appointment I missed on Friday and the birthday I missed on Saturday night. A low hit me this weekend for no reason. I sure would like a nice beating to get me past it, but that is up to Sir of course.

Sir and I have had less contact over the past several weeks. This is exactly what I needed from him. I didn’t know how to convey it without sounding like a shrew, but I need my “me” time and it takes up a lot of my days. Not having a set schedule that I have to meet Sir makes me want to meet him all the more. When can we plan our illicit meeting? When can he pop out of work to be with me? It’s all very exciting. Sir was on a vacation this week with his kids, so I was left alone as Kid was at the father’s house. I didn’t want to go out and I’m glad I didn’t. I got some quality time with myself and I’m ready to see Sir anytime this week.

I’ve started working on my sixth (seventh or eighth) novel. This time I have characters from real life. I’ve got my Grandmother’s life story albeit short so I will use her words to make my chapters. I have a lot of brain-picking to do with my mom, but I think it could be a good novel. I’m going to shop this one instead of self-publishing like my last four. If I get turned down by everyone then I will self-publish. It’s hard to get hype around your product on Amazon, but I will persevere.

I’m hoping to see Sir this week so I will report back when that happens.
Ta ta!

Days With Sir

Sir and I have been having very good chats lately. I love chatting with him. By chatting I mean texting. When we are together for a meal or after things have happened we have nice conversations. I have been feeling good with my new mix of meds and I think Sir notices that I am more open and available to him.
We met last Wednesday for a session that was really mind-blowing. It had been so long since I had an orgasm the first one I had was amazing; it could have gone on longer but Sir was beating me as I worked the vibrator so I felt like I had to restrain. (We’ve never discussed this dynamic before.) I’m sure Sir would disagree and insist that I continue. I wanted to continue, but his beatings were pretty harsh so I felt that I needed to stop. (Mind you, I loved the beatings but I felt like I needed to stop what I was doing so that I could concentrate on Sir’s beatings. The combination was absolutely amazing though.
Tonight we met at a lovely Tapas restaurant and had a delicious meal. Because the meal lasted so long and I needed to be home at an early hour to be on time for my office’s Family Outing at the museum of natural science followed by a massage to get rid of the last of the knots in my back. We left a little late from the restaurant so our time together in “our place” was quite short.
Short isn’t always bad. I think Sir and I had a very good session. I always love it when we have an intense assaulting session followed by a sensual one. Sir always delivers. He seems to know exactly what I need and when I need it. Tonight was one of those intuitive days for Sir. I felt warm, welcomed, loved, cherished, and euphoric all at the same time. I cannot explain how well Sir knows me and how well he knows my body. It is truly kismet. 
Of course I feel very selfish with every meeting we have. Sir tends to my needs and beats the heck out of me; all of which I want and desire. What does my Sir need and what can I do to appease him? We don’t talk nearly enough about him. We talk extensively about me, but I want to please Sir as much as he pleases me. I hope we can get to that point in our relationship soon.
Even though we met last week for a fantastic session, I feel like today’s session wasn’t long enough. I have a work outing tomorrow so I have to be up early making our session very short after a long dinner. I hope to make it up to Sir during our next session. I know he loves the beatings, I just want him to love the sex as well.
We don’t have plans for our next session yet, but I’m sure it will be a good one as he is learning about me as I am learning about him. The more we know each other the better our sessions will be. I look forward to it.

Wednesday With Sir

After a week at the lake, I reported to Sir about the good time i had. He requested that I meet him on Wednesday after work. I gave no excuses, I had no reservations, I wasn’t anxious, and I met him at the requested place and time. It was a short session but very to the point.

I went to our place and got myself and my toys ready. When he arrived I was on my knees, in a opened-back pink teddy, with a flogger draped over my shoulder. Sir lead me around by the ponytail into various positions around the room. I was blindfolded the majority of the time so I wasn’t always aware of what implement Sir was using to strike me. This time my front got it as well as my back. Sir seemed to be getting his aggression out on me. I’m sure he had some pent up anger from all the times I canceled on him. I can’t be positive but I think it was Sir’s belt that left the most marks. I have them on my legs, arms, backside, and breasts, they are glorious. For a Sir who doesn’t like to leave marks, he did so in a big way.

This is short and sweet because it was several days ago and I am having a hard time remembering everything that occurred. So I will end it to say it was one of the most enjoyable sessions we have had and I’m looking forward to the next one. Luckily when I went for a massage she only worked on my back so she wasn’t privy to the marks on my legs or bottom.

Here is some of Sir’s handy work:

Ta ta for now!

Thankfully My Sir

Sir has forgiven my transgressions. We chatted for several days before we finally met up. I had an amazing night tonight. Sir made me feel wonderful and amazing. I’m sad he had to leave so soon. 
All things aside, I am so happy that Sir and I are back together. He makes me feel so beautiful. I love my Sir and I’m glad we are back together. He is an amazing. Intelligent, gentile, altruistic person, and I love all of that in him. I just hope he has some love for some of my characteristics. Sir makes me happy, and I’m happy we are able to reconnect. 

It Just Gets Worse, But There Is A Twinkle

Sir is the kind, caring, altruistic Sir he has always been. I lost my father this past weekend. I reached out to Sir and he was very understanding and kind towards me despite how I treated him and what I said to him. I doubt he would ever take me back as his sub, but at least I know I can reach out to him for some kind words if I need them. Twinkle. That is exactly why Sir is so special. Sir is empathetic and realizes that not all of us handle life with ease. 

If I can be kind and giving in the manner that Sir is, maybe I have hope for a reconciliation. I don’t know what my problem truly is when it comes to Sir. Sometimes it’s a panic attack, sometimes it’s a lack of motivation and the need to isolate. He was very understanding for a very long time, there are just so many times someone will make exceptions. I’m past that limit, I know. I wish I wasn’t. 

The viewing is on Friday, then I host a baby shower on Saturday. One life out, one life in. I have to pull it together so I can be a gracious host on Saturday. After that, I can isolate on Sunday. Kid will be off to the northern US and I will be alone in the house. 

Still Broken

Sir and I had plans to have a session last Sunday, but I met someone that I thought I might like to date. Sir always said that he knew I would meet someone eventually and that would be the end of us. After many texts and meetings I realized that this person I met isn’t right for me. He is very much a country boy and I am very much a city girl. We could never agree on those aspects, I don’t want to live in a tiny town and the guy is intimidated by the big city. I won’t be seeing him again.

I miss my Sir. I miss his daily advice, I miss our text chats, I miss his intellect, I miss belonging to someone. I am still broken, broken because I am in a very bad low that I wish Sir would beat out of me. Broken because my psych upped one of my meds even though I don’t think it will help. Broken because I no longer have my Sir, my mentor, my reason to be better, my friend. I am broken and I don’t know how to fix myself. The new meds will help some but they will not replace my Sir. I won’t find another like him; kind, caring, aware of my issues, altruistic. My Sir was the best and I messed up by telling him I was done. 

So I am left to try and piece myself back together. I need him now more than ever. Work has been hard. Making myself un-isolate has been very hard, not having his wisdom and words of encouragement has been the most difficult. I shouldn’t have ended things and I am very sorry I did. He is such a kind, caring, generous Sir I’m sure I have been replaced and that leaves me in a terrible state of regret. My Sir is no longer my Sir and I am devestated. 
I want to be punished. I want to be set right. I want his dominance. I want my Sir back. 

No longer with Sir

Sir and I had a very rough patch even after I thought it was all over. We reconnected momentarily, I missed and needed him. We had a “downtime” talk that put me in tears but he continued with our session despite my mood. That made me angry, I thought he cared about me. I think he just didn’t realize how upset I was. Afterwards I texted some horrible and vulgar things to him. Of course that made him angry and he finished with me abruptly.  That struct me deep in my heart, I never wanted to hurt him. 

I spiraled into a deep low before I finally admitted to Sir that I was broken. I needed him, I missed him, and I wanted him. We reconciled after I apologized for being so awful to him. We started to communicate again, and I was so happy. Then, I met someone. Not a Dom, just a guy. The guy and I have been communicating and finally met. I don’t think he will be a long-term guy, but I think we will enjoy each other’s company for a while. Easy and uncomplicated. 
I’m sad that I will no longer be seeing Sir. I love my Sir, I will always love my Sir. Most of all, I will miss my Sir. He is kind, caring, and amazing. I don’t think I could find another like him which is why I don’t think I will be looking for another. I’ve had the best and I’m scared of the rest. 
So I will date this guy, I’m no where near having sex with him, so I am also nowhere near telling him I want to sub. I don’t think he is the type of guy to understand. He’s a “moving on” guy. We can have a good time for a while but he lives far away and I have no desire to live in the country that is infested with alligators. They have lost so many black labs to alligators it breaks my heart. 
I think I need some time to myself. Dating someone who works night shifts and lives almost an hour away just might give me that space I need. I have to come out of this very deep low that I am in, so maybe a new person in my life may help. It did take everything in me to get ready for this date tonight. I don’t know how to resurface. I’m drowning. I miss my Sir a lot. 
From now on my blog will just be musings about my daily life. If Sir ever lets me back with him or if I find another Sir I will of course report it. Sorry fans, that’s where I am right now. 
TaRa!

Disappointment

I have done it. I disappointed Sir for the very last time. He has released me and I am no longer His. I traveled this week so we were not in touch as often as normal. I returned home Friday morning just after midnight. We texted until I finally went to sleep Friday morning around 1:00 AM. I was awoken Friday afternoon at 2:30 PM by my mom and Kid coming home from a college tour. I was still tired from my trip and I fell asleep in front of the TV at 7:30 PM completely forgetting that I was supposed to meet Sir that very evening.

 

 

Saturday morning I awoke early and got a lot done around my house as I previously blogged. Sir texted me one short line to tell me I had a spa appointment at 1:00. I got ready and went. I texted Sir when I returned to thank him. That’s when I learned what a disappointment I truly am. Because I forgot that we were to meet Friday night Sir feels as though I am disrespectful of him and his time. We had words back and forth via text and he sent me a long email about how much of a disappointment I am, and why I am a disappointment. He’s right, I am, I don’t deserve a Sir like him.

So once again I am a disappointment to a man in my life. I cannot be anything but one. I can’t do anything right and I don’t know how to change that fact. I am disappointed in myself for making Sir feel this way. As much as I wish I could fix things between us I know can’t this time, it has been one time too many that I messed up. I removed my collar and placed it in my jewelry box. I don’t deserve to wear it anymore. I am beyond sad. I wish I could just curl up and die; I’ll never have another Dom as kind and loving as my Sir was towards me nor do I want one. For that I will always have regret and self-loathing. I’ve been crying since our last exchange and I don’t know how long these feelings of self-hate and despair will linger but I deserve them, I did it to myself. I am sorry in more ways than one.

 

 

I am done.