My mood has been fairly good for a while now minus the appointment I missed on Friday and the birthday I missed on Saturday night. A low hit me this weekend for no reason. I sure would like a nice beating to get me past it, but that is up to Sir of course.
Sir and I have had less contact over the past several weeks. This is exactly what I needed from him. I didn’t know how to convey it without sounding like a shrew, but I need my “me” time and it takes up a lot of my days. Not having a set schedule that I have to meet Sir makes me want to meet him all the more. When can we plan our illicit meeting? When can he pop out of work to be with me? It’s all very exciting. Sir was on a vacation this week with his kids, so I was left alone as Kid was at the father’s house. I didn’t want to go out and I’m glad I didn’t. I got some quality time with myself and I’m ready to see Sir anytime this week.
I’ve started working on my sixth (seventh or eighth) novel. This time I have characters from real life. I’ve got my Grandmother’s life story albeit short so I will use her words to make my chapters. I have a lot of brain-picking to do with my mom, but I think it could be a good novel. I’m going to shop this one instead of self-publishing like my last four. If I get turned down by everyone then I will self-publish. It’s hard to get hype around your product on Amazon, but I will persevere.
I’m hoping to see Sir this week so I will report back when that happens.
Sir and I have been having very good chats lately. I love chatting with him. By chatting I mean texting. When we are together for a meal or after things have happened we have nice conversations. I have been feeling good with my new mix of meds and I think Sir notices that I am more open and available to him.
We met last Wednesday for a session that was really mind-blowing. It had been so long since I had an orgasm the first one I had was amazing; it could have gone on longer but Sir was beating me as I worked the vibrator so I felt like I had to restrain. (We’ve never discussed this dynamic before.) I’m sure Sir would disagree and insist that I continue. I wanted to continue, but his beatings were pretty harsh so I felt that I needed to stop. (Mind you, I loved the beatings but I felt like I needed to stop what I was doing so that I could concentrate on Sir’s beatings. The combination was absolutely amazing though.
Tonight we met at a lovely Tapas restaurant and had a delicious meal. Because the meal lasted so long and I needed to be home at an early hour to be on time for my office’s Family Outing at the museum of natural science followed by a massage to get rid of the last of the knots in my back. We left a little late from the restaurant so our time together in “our place” was quite short.
Short isn’t always bad. I think Sir and I had a very good session. I always love it when we have an intense assaulting session followed by a sensual one. Sir always delivers. He seems to know exactly what I need and when I need it. Tonight was one of those intuitive days for Sir. I felt warm, welcomed, loved, cherished, and euphoric all at the same time. I cannot explain how well Sir knows me and how well he knows my body. It is truly kismet.
Of course I feel very selfish with every meeting we have. Sir tends to my needs and beats the heck out of me; all of which I want and desire. What does my Sir need and what can I do to appease him? We don’t talk nearly enough about him. We talk extensively about me, but I want to please Sir as much as he pleases me. I hope we can get to that point in our relationship soon.
Even though we met last week for a fantastic session, I feel like today’s session wasn’t long enough. I have a work outing tomorrow so I have to be up early making our session very short after a long dinner. I hope to make it up to Sir during our next session. I know he loves the beatings, I just want him to love the sex as well.
We don’t have plans for our next session yet, but I’m sure it will be a good one as he is learning about me as I am learning about him. The more we know each other the better our sessions will be. I look forward to it.
After a week at the lake, I reported to Sir about the good time i had. He requested that I meet him on Wednesday after work. I gave no excuses, I had no reservations, I wasn’t anxious, and I met him at the requested place and time. It was a short session but very to the point.
I went to our place and got myself and my toys ready. When he arrived I was on my knees, in a opened-back pink teddy, with a flogger draped over my shoulder. Sir lead me around by the ponytail into various positions around the room. I was blindfolded the majority of the time so I wasn’t always aware of what implement Sir was using to strike me. This time my front got it as well as my back. Sir seemed to be getting his aggression out on me. I’m sure he had some pent up anger from all the times I canceled on him. I can’t be positive but I think it was Sir’s belt that left the most marks. I have them on my legs, arms, backside, and breasts, they are glorious. For a Sir who doesn’t like to leave marks, he did so in a big way.
This is short and sweet because it was several days ago and I am having a hard time remembering everything that occurred. So I will end it to say it was one of the most enjoyable sessions we have had and I’m looking forward to the next one. Luckily when I went for a massage she only worked on my back so she wasn’t privy to the marks on my legs or bottom.
Here is some of Sir’s handy work:
Ta ta for now!
Sir has forgiven my transgressions. We chatted for several days before we finally met up. I had an amazing night tonight. Sir made me feel wonderful and amazing. I’m sad he had to leave so soon.
All things aside, I am so happy that Sir and I are back together. He makes me feel so beautiful. I love my Sir and I’m glad we are back together. He is an amazing. Intelligent, gentile, altruistic person, and I love all of that in him. I just hope he has some love for some of my characteristics. Sir makes me happy, and I’m happy we are able to reconnect.
Sir is the kind, caring, altruistic Sir he has always been. I lost my father this past weekend. I reached out to Sir and he was very understanding and kind towards me despite how I treated him and what I said to him. I doubt he would ever take me back as his sub, but at least I know I can reach out to him for some kind words if I need them. Twinkle. That is exactly why Sir is so special. Sir is empathetic and realizes that not all of us handle life with ease.
If I can be kind and giving in the manner that Sir is, maybe I have hope for a reconciliation. I don’t know what my problem truly is when it comes to Sir. Sometimes it’s a panic attack, sometimes it’s a lack of motivation and the need to isolate. He was very understanding for a very long time, there are just so many times someone will make exceptions. I’m past that limit, I know. I wish I wasn’t.
The viewing is on Friday, then I host a baby shower on Saturday. One life out, one life in. I have to pull it together so I can be a gracious host on Saturday. After that, I can isolate on Sunday. Kid will be off to the northern US and I will be alone in the house.
Sir and I had plans to have a session last Sunday, but I met someone that I thought I might like to date. Sir always said that he knew I would meet someone eventually and that would be the end of us. After many texts and meetings I realized that this person I met isn’t right for me. He is very much a country boy and I am very much a city girl. We could never agree on those aspects, I don’t want to live in a tiny town and the guy is intimidated by the big city. I won’t be seeing him again.
I miss my Sir. I miss his daily advice, I miss our text chats, I miss his intellect, I miss belonging to someone. I am still broken, broken because I am in a very bad low that I wish Sir would beat out of me. Broken because my psych upped one of my meds even though I don’t think it will help. Broken because I no longer have my Sir, my mentor, my reason to be better, my friend. I am broken and I don’t know how to fix myself. The new meds will help some but they will not replace my Sir. I won’t find another like him; kind, caring, aware of my issues, altruistic. My Sir was the best and I messed up by telling him I was done.
So I am left to try and piece myself back together. I need him now more than ever. Work has been hard. Making myself un-isolate has been very hard, not having his wisdom and words of encouragement has been the most difficult. I shouldn’t have ended things and I am very sorry I did. He is such a kind, caring, generous Sir I’m sure I have been replaced and that leaves me in a terrible state of regret. My Sir is no longer my Sir and I am devestated.
I want to be punished. I want to be set right. I want his dominance. I want my Sir back.
Sir and I had a very rough patch even after I thought it was all over. We reconnected momentarily, I missed and needed him. We had a “downtime” talk that put me in tears but he continued with our session despite my mood. That made me angry, I thought he cared about me. I think he just didn’t realize how upset I was. Afterwards I texted some horrible and vulgar things to him. Of course that made him angry and he finished with me abruptly. That struct me deep in my heart, I never wanted to hurt him.
I spiraled into a deep low before I finally admitted to Sir that I was broken. I needed him, I missed him, and I wanted him. We reconciled after I apologized for being so awful to him. We started to communicate again, and I was so happy. Then, I met someone. Not a Dom, just a guy. The guy and I have been communicating and finally met. I don’t think he will be a long-term guy, but I think we will enjoy each other’s company for a while. Easy and uncomplicated.
I’m sad that I will no longer be seeing Sir. I love my Sir, I will always love my Sir. Most of all, I will miss my Sir. He is kind, caring, and amazing. I don’t think I could find another like him which is why I don’t think I will be looking for another. I’ve had the best and I’m scared of the rest.
So I will date this guy, I’m no where near having sex with him, so I am also nowhere near telling him I want to sub. I don’t think he is the type of guy to understand. He’s a “moving on” guy. We can have a good time for a while but he lives far away and I have no desire to live in the country that is infested with alligators. They have lost so many black labs to alligators it breaks my heart.
I think I need some time to myself. Dating someone who works night shifts and lives almost an hour away just might give me that space I need. I have to come out of this very deep low that I am in, so maybe a new person in my life may help. It did take everything in me to get ready for this date tonight. I don’t know how to resurface. I’m drowning. I miss my Sir a lot.
From now on my blog will just be musings about my daily life. If Sir ever lets me back with him or if I find another Sir I will of course report it. Sorry fans, that’s where I am right now.
I have done it. I disappointed Sir for the very last time. He has released me and I am no longer His. I traveled this week so we were not in touch as often as normal. I returned home Friday morning just after midnight. We texted until I finally went to sleep Friday morning around 1:00 AM. I was awoken Friday afternoon at 2:30 PM by my mom and Kid coming home from a college tour. I was still tired from my trip and I fell asleep in front of the TV at 7:30 PM completely forgetting that I was supposed to meet Sir that very evening.
Saturday morning I awoke early and got a lot done around my house as I previously blogged. Sir texted me one short line to tell me I had a spa appointment at 1:00. I got ready and went. I texted Sir when I returned to thank him. That’s when I learned what a disappointment I truly am. Because I forgot that we were to meet Friday night Sir feels as though I am disrespectful of him and his time. We had words back and forth via text and he sent me a long email about how much of a disappointment I am, and why I am a disappointment. He’s right, I am, I don’t deserve a Sir like him.
So once again I am a disappointment to a man in my life. I cannot be anything but one. I can’t do anything right and I don’t know how to change that fact. I am disappointed in myself for making Sir feel this way. As much as I wish I could fix things between us I know can’t this time, it has been one time too many that I messed up. I removed my collar and placed it in my jewelry box. I don’t deserve to wear it anymore. I am beyond sad. I wish I could just curl up and die; I’ll never have another Dom as kind and loving as my Sir was towards me nor do I want one. For that I will always have regret and self-loathing. I’ve been crying since our last exchange and I don’t know how long these feelings of self-hate and despair will linger but I deserve them, I did it to myself. I am sorry in more ways than one.
I am done.
I am still the worst sub ever. I am supposed to text my Sir while I am sleeping. I haven’t figured out how to do that yet so I suck. Sir is upset with me because I didn’t text him yesterday while I was sleeping. If any of you know how to rectify this situation I would love to know how to text your Sir while you’re sleeping. I don’t know how, so any input would be most welcome. I may lose my Sir over the fact that I didn’t text him yesterday while I was sleeping. Whatever. I am so tired of being made the bad girl because life gets in the way some times. He didn’t text me either. Why is it my fault. I am submissive to my Sir in the bedroom and that is what we agreed upon. I did not agree to be his slave. He is upset with me again and I am close to being done with this shit. I do everything he says but I have a life outside of US and I have to live it.
I took my Adderall this morning so I could get up early and get some things done around the house. I still have a few things to go, but I’ll get there. I wasn’t able to do anything yesterday. I was so exhausted from my trip that I slept until my mom and Kid woke me up at 2:30. I was still tired and fell asleep in front of the TV at 7:30. At least I slept great and got up early to get stuff in order.
So far today I have:
- Cleaned the kitchen
- Emptied and loaded the dishwasher
- Tidied the rest of the house
- Made the bed
- Ordered my prescriptions
- Fixed Netflix in the living room
- Ordered the anti flea/worm meds for the kitties
- Picked up the anti flea/worm meds for the kitties
What I have left to do:
- Deal with the trash from the backyard
- Put all my laundry away
- De-fur the sofas
- Clean and refill the litter box
- Wash the sheets, they are covered in cat fur, bleck
- Remake the bed
- Color my hair
- Run by the store
Since I didn’t blog or text Sir yesterday I might be in a bit of trouble. I texted him this morning but it went through as a text message instead of an iMessage so I don’t know if he will get it. I’m afraid I may be in a little trouble with him. Fridays are our usual nights together, but I slept through Friday night. Hopefully he understands and I won’t have to be punished again. Our last session started with a punishment, I don’t think I want our next one to start with a punishment. Of course he’s still kind and caring when administering a punishment but it does still smart and I hate how it feels when I have let him down. I seem to do that a lot.
Kid is at the dad’s house. Houseguest is visiting a sick aunt. Being alone for once in a very long while has motivated me. I really want my house back. I hope houseguest actually leaves at the end of May like we agreed. Drama just follows Houseguest and I would like it to go as well. The drama makes me anxious and I don’t need to be even more stressed. It’s bad enough that the pharmacy didn’t fill one of my antidepressants, I prefer days when I don’t need to take my antianxiety meds. Speaking of anxiety, I was supposed to have a spa day today but Sir never confirmed that. I wonder if I am in more trouble than I thought. Hopefully he will get my text and respond today.
Back to work! Ta ta