Still Broken

Sir and I had plans to have a session last Sunday, but I met someone that I thought I might like to date. Sir always said that he knew I would meet someone eventually and that would be the end of us. After many texts and meetings I realized that this person I met isn’t right for me. He is very much a country boy and I am very much a city girl. We could never agree on those aspects, I don’t want to live in a tiny town and the guy is intimidated by the big city. I won’t be seeing him again.

I miss my Sir. I miss his daily advice, I miss our text chats, I miss his intellect, I miss belonging to someone. I am still broken, broken because I am in a very bad low that I wish Sir would beat out of me. Broken because my psych upped one of my meds even though I don’t think it will help. Broken because I no longer have my Sir, my mentor, my reason to be better, my friend. I am broken and I don’t know how to fix myself. The new meds will help some but they will not replace my Sir. I won’t find another like him; kind, caring, aware of my issues, altruistic. My Sir was the best and I messed up by telling him I was done. 

So I am left to try and piece myself back together. I need him now more than ever. Work has been hard. Making myself un-isolate has been very hard, not having his wisdom and words of encouragement has been the most difficult. I shouldn’t have ended things and I am very sorry I did. He is such a kind, caring, generous Sir I’m sure I have been replaced and that leaves me in a terrible state of regret. My Sir is no longer my Sir and I am devestated. 
I want to be punished. I want to be set right. I want his dominance. I want my Sir back. 

No longer with Sir

Sir and I had a very rough patch even after I thought it was all over. We reconnected momentarily, I missed and needed him. We had a “downtime” talk that put me in tears but he continued with our session despite my mood. That made me angry, I thought he cared about me. I think he just didn’t realize how upset I was. Afterwards I texted some horrible and vulgar things to him. Of course that made him angry and he finished with me abruptly.  That struct me deep in my heart, I never wanted to hurt him. 

I spiraled into a deep low before I finally admitted to Sir that I was broken. I needed him, I missed him, and I wanted him. We reconciled after I apologized for being so awful to him. We started to communicate again, and I was so happy. Then, I met someone. Not a Dom, just a guy. The guy and I have been communicating and finally met. I don’t think he will be a long-term guy, but I think we will enjoy each other’s company for a while. Easy and uncomplicated. 
I’m sad that I will no longer be seeing Sir. I love my Sir, I will always love my Sir. Most of all, I will miss my Sir. He is kind, caring, and amazing. I don’t think I could find another like him which is why I don’t think I will be looking for another. I’ve had the best and I’m scared of the rest. 
So I will date this guy, I’m no where near having sex with him, so I am also nowhere near telling him I want to sub. I don’t think he is the type of guy to understand. He’s a “moving on” guy. We can have a good time for a while but he lives far away and I have no desire to live in the country that is infested with alligators. They have lost so many black labs to alligators it breaks my heart. 
I think I need some time to myself. Dating someone who works night shifts and lives almost an hour away just might give me that space I need. I have to come out of this very deep low that I am in, so maybe a new person in my life may help. It did take everything in me to get ready for this date tonight. I don’t know how to resurface. I’m drowning. I miss my Sir a lot. 
From now on my blog will just be musings about my daily life. If Sir ever lets me back with him or if I find another Sir I will of course report it. Sorry fans, that’s where I am right now. 


I have done it. I disappointed Sir for the very last time. He has released me and I am no longer His. I traveled this week so we were not in touch as often as normal. I returned home Friday morning just after midnight. We texted until I finally went to sleep Friday morning around 1:00 AM. I was awoken Friday afternoon at 2:30 PM by my mom and Kid coming home from a college tour. I was still tired from my trip and I fell asleep in front of the TV at 7:30 PM completely forgetting that I was supposed to meet Sir that very evening.



Saturday morning I awoke early and got a lot done around my house as I previously blogged. Sir texted me one short line to tell me I had a spa appointment at 1:00. I got ready and went. I texted Sir when I returned to thank him. That’s when I learned what a disappointment I truly am. Because I forgot that we were to meet Friday night Sir feels as though I am disrespectful of him and his time. We had words back and forth via text and he sent me a long email about how much of a disappointment I am, and why I am a disappointment. He’s right, I am, I don’t deserve a Sir like him.

So once again I am a disappointment to a man in my life. I cannot be anything but one. I can’t do anything right and I don’t know how to change that fact. I am disappointed in myself for making Sir feel this way. As much as I wish I could fix things between us I know can’t this time, it has been one time too many that I messed up. I removed my collar and placed it in my jewelry box. I don’t deserve to wear it anymore. I am beyond sad. I wish I could just curl up and die; I’ll never have another Dom as kind and loving as my Sir was towards me nor do I want one. For that I will always have regret and self-loathing. I’ve been crying since our last exchange and I don’t know how long these feelings of self-hate and despair will linger but I deserve them, I did it to myself. I am sorry in more ways than one.



I am done.

Saturday Eveing

I am still the worst sub ever. I am supposed to text my Sir while I am sleeping. I haven’t figured out how to do that yet so I suck. Sir is upset with me because I didn’t text him yesterday while I was sleeping. If any of you know how to rectify this situation I would love to know how to text your Sir while you’re sleeping. I don’t know how, so any input would be most welcome. I may lose my Sir over the fact that I didn’t text him yesterday while I was sleeping. Whatever. I am so tired of being made the bad girl because life gets in the way some times. He didn’t text me either. Why is it my fault. I am submissive to my Sir in the bedroom and that is what we agreed upon. I did not agree to be his slave. He is upset with me again and I am close to being done with this shit. I do everything he says but I have a life outside of US and I have to live it.

Working Saturday

I took my Adderall this morning so I could get up early and get some things done around the house. I still have a few things to go, but I’ll get there. I wasn’t able to do anything yesterday. I was so exhausted from my trip that I slept until my mom and Kid woke me up at 2:30. I was still tired and fell asleep in front of the TV at 7:30. At least I slept great and got up early to get stuff in order.

So far today I have:

  1. Cleaned the kitchen
  2. Emptied and loaded the dishwasher
  3. Unpacked
  4. Tidied the rest of the house
  5. Made the bed
  6. Ordered my prescriptions
  7. Fixed Netflix in the living room
  8. Ordered the anti flea/worm meds for the kitties
  9. Picked up the anti flea/worm meds for the kitties

What I have left to do:

  1. Deal with the trash from the backyard
  2. Put all my laundry away
  3. De-fur the sofas
  4. Clean and refill the litter box
  5. Wash the sheets, they are covered in cat fur, bleck
  6. Remake the bed
  7. Color my hair
  8. Run by the store

Since I didn’t blog or text Sir yesterday I might be in a bit of trouble. I texted him this morning but it went through as a text message instead of an iMessage so I don’t know if he will get it. I’m afraid I may be in a little trouble with him. Fridays are our usual nights together, but I slept through Friday night. Hopefully he understands and I won’t have to be punished again. Our last session started with a punishment, I don’t think I want our next one to start with a punishment. Of course he’s still kind and caring when administering a punishment but it does still smart and I hate how it feels when I have let him down. I seem to do that a lot.

Kid is at the dad’s house. Houseguest is visiting a sick aunt. Being alone for once in a very long while has motivated me. I really want my house back. I hope houseguest actually leaves at the end of May like we agreed. Drama just follows Houseguest and I would like it to go as well. The drama makes me anxious and I don’t need to be even more stressed. It’s bad enough that the pharmacy didn’t fill one of my antidepressants, I prefer days when I don’t need to take my antianxiety meds. Speaking of anxiety, I was supposed to have a spa day today but Sir never confirmed that. I wonder if I am in more trouble than I thought. Hopefully he will get my text and respond today.

Back to work! Ta ta

Random Thoughts Thursday

It’s been a while since I had a random thought post. I will be traveling through three airports today, I think it’s a good day for another one.

I must have mistakenly woken up in the middle of the night and taken my Adderall. I am wide awake, my pill is missing from the nightstand, and it’s just 4:30 in the morning.

While I have been on this work trip, I received a happy birthday text from the vet. My Bear-Bear is four years old now. It made me think. My cats are four, three, two, and one. They will most likely all grow old together and I may lose them all in a relatively short amount of time. That makes me sad.

That thought occurred to me about my house and it’s needs too. It has been re-roofed, the fence was rebuilt, the inside & outside have been painted, the appliances have all been changed, and it all happened within the same six months. I fear that I will have a really expensive time coming up in the next fifteen years when things start to break down. Dang, I could lose my cats and my appliances in the same year; that would be really sad and expensive.

I know two relatively healthy people who have fallen while alone in their homes and died. There really is a reason for those “help I’ve fallen and can’t get up” emergency alert necklaces. I don’t carry my phone around the house with me, what if I can’t get to it in an emergency? Well, I have the Apple Watch so I guess I can send a message from that. Come to think of it, my mom does too. That makes me feel better about her living alone at her age. I’m sure one of her neighbor friends would call me if they hadn’t seeen or heard from her in a day or two. Not that that’s reassuring but it’s something. I do get the frantic text occasionally from my mom’s sister who lives on the opposite end of the country when she hasn’t heard from my mom in a while. Of course I go into panic mode until my mom finally answers her phone. So far the reason she has been out of touch has always been because she didn’t hear her phone going off. At least now that she has the watch she can tell when she gets a call or text message.

I’m not the only moron up at 4 AM today. I just had a nice chat with a guy downstairs while getting coffee. He’s taking his wife to Hawaii, renting a car, and staying beachside all on frequent traveling points for all three. My flight was so cheap I didn’t get my flying miles. The hotel reservations were made by my boss so again I didn’t get the points. They didn’t rent me a car because a co-worker drove in from the next state over. She has to cart me around to save the company money. I’m glad she’s okay with that arrangement, she wasn’t aware of it until we got here. Luckily, she is very sweet and doesn’t mind.

Maybe I will Uber into the office instead of waiting for my co-worker. If I get my meeting with my boss over with I might be able to leave earlier than 7 this evening. My flight lands in Hometown at midnight. That would put me back at my front door at one in the morning.

My dad left my mom over twenty years ago. It was not a pleasant time in my life. I sided with my mom but I was in college so I still had to rely on my dad for tuition and allowance to pay my bills. Sibling thought it would be a nice idea to have a quilt made with pictures from our childhood and our kids’ childhoods. Sibling actually asked my mom to make this quilt. Mom was quite pissed off about that. I’m glad she finally said no after thinking about it for a while. Of course she cares that Dad is sick, but she doesn’t feel like she owes him anything. He’s the one who left.

I can’t believe there are still 800 number psychics around. Who calls them? Actually, I can answer that. Houseguest’s cousin is with a terrible man and planning on marrying him because her psychic said he was the one. You can’t argue with stupid.

This airport is really loud. Aren’t people normally quiet in public spaces. There aren’t even kids around, it’s all adults just being loud. They are all talking on their phones. What on earth can they be talking about for so long? Last night a chick was sitting outside the hotel on her phone and talking for well over two hours. I can’t even imagine it. 

I almost missed my flight. I was watching the arrivals board. Why is there an arrivals board past security? Those who are arriving know what time it is and no one without a boarding pass is allowed past security. Stupid airport design.

At least the plane isn’t one of the ERJ’s I hate those.

On my way to Atlanta finally. It’s been a long day. I have an hour and a half layover before I continue home.

I have almost two hours before my flight. Let’s see what kind of people we see at ATL:

  • Large man with a tiny pink suitcase
  • Granola boy using a reuseable grocery bag as carry-on
  • Yoga pants, yoga pants, yoga pants…
  • Hipster doofus in the ugliest shirt I have ever seen, I’m sure he’s being ironic
  • Lot’s of people running, no wonder the airport is the number one place for heart attacks
  • Tattooed man with a purple suitcase
  • What’s with all the beards anyway?
  • Woman with her butt-length hair in a scrunchie and a reusable grocery bag as carry-on, looks like she’s in a cult

Delta has the exact same canned music for all of their flights as they board and deplane. Same songs, same order. Haven’t heard this song in ages now I’ve heard it seven times in the last three days.

Crap, full flight. These seats are incredibly small. My late husband would not have fit in these seats, legs too long.

I love men who travel in ties or with a sportscoat, so classy.

Doors are closing. Ta ta.

Traveling Tuesday

This will be a rambling entry, I am tired, I have work that needs to be done, and my boss doesn’t know how to make decent flight arrangements.

I started my day at 3:50 AM. After two cups of coffee, I decided I had better leave just in case any delays popped up along the way. They took down the GIANT signs that used to tell you which terminal housed which airlines as you drove into the airport complex. So I had no idea where I was going. I knew C & E were for United flights so I gambled and headed to A & B. I parked in the B terminal lot. Yes, I parked at the airport. I figured if the company was going to make me get up before 4:00 AM and not get me home until around 1:00 AM they can foot the cost of me parking at the terminal. I was slightly foiled though. I parked in B and took the elevator down to the first level where I immediately learned that I needed to be in A, luckily an airport worker was kind enough to point out which train I needed to take. My gated was, of course, the last gate. I finally boarded after a short wait and was thrilled to learn that my seating companion was an overweight, over-perfumed, woman who couldn’t stop fidgeting. Kindly, she fell asleep pretty quickly after the plane leveled off. We arrived in Atlanta with no other incidents or inconveniences. It took me a good fifteen minute walk in the wrong direction to finally find a departures board only to learn my gate was on the other side of the concourse. You know what? I’ll bet you guess it. It was the very late gate on the concourse. I don’t know how that always happens to me. At least I was able to walk at a leisurely pace so I wasn’t covered in sweat this time. This flight was so much nicer, it’s a larger plane and the seat between me (window) and the aisle lady is vacant so I can sit crisscross-applesauce and not bother anyone which my protruding leg.

I texted Sir about my arrival to Atlanta and I will text him when I get settled in the back of a cab, but I doubt I’ll have much time to talk with him today because I need to get a report out and do whatever activities the boss has in store for me as well. I still don’t know the actual purpose of this trip. Will I be training them on the stuff they don’t know or will I be in training for stuff I already know. It’ll be interesting to see if they flew the Alaska counterpart down for this week. I wouldn’t want her flight schedule, that’s for sure. It’s bad enough having to make a connection when there are direct flights available, but my boss picked a fare that was so low I don’t even get my frequent flier miles for it! That’s downright rude! I downloaded the Uber app just in case I decided to use them, but I don’t know that I feel comfortable with some stranger picking me up in their car as opposed to some strange taxi driver picking me up in their company car. I guess it’s irrational, but the taxi industry is regulated. The last time my BIL took an Uber it cost him $60, for the same distance a cab in Hometown would cost around $40. That’s a big difference.

Well I did Uber and it was fine. $17 to go 9 miles but that’s about right. The driver was in a HumV and was normally a paramedic so I felt pretty safe. I have to agree it’s a very cool app, it shows you exactly where the car is compared to where you are and you can watch it as it approaches. I’m probably telling this to people who Uber all the time, but I experienced something new and outside of my comfort zone so I’m a little proud of myself. 

I have my own office here which is nice, I can isolate in the middle of a building full of people. Unfortunately I had to sit through a training class of stuff I mostly know already, but I did pick up a few tidbits that will be very helpful. I didn’t fully isolate this evening, I walked across the parking lot to the Mexican restaurant and had a light dinner and a few margaritas. The buzz in the SC Chuys is that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is retiring. I’m not even sure why I know who that is.

The hotel has the ID channel so I’ll watch murder shows until I fall asleep. I miss this channel being a cord cutter. Luckily, Houseguest jail-broke my Amazon Fire stick so I should be able to find some of these shows on it. I’ve been binge watching Botched lately. I need more show ideas so I stop watching Friends all the time. That’s my go-to zone out show. I can do other things while the Friends keep me company in the background.

I still don’t know if I get paid for all this travel time, the Federal website was ambiguous so it gave me no answers. I need to talk with the HR lady tomorrow and find out how much of this I’m actually getting paid for traveling.

Sir and I have chatted off and on, but he was busy with work as was I. We are in different time zones now so it’s even a little trickier. I texted him at 8 like my phone said, but it wasn’t 8 back home. I have my collar on so he is always on my mind even if we can’t chat. I’ll see him this Friday unless something comes up on his end. I don’t think anything will come up on my end since I am off work, as long as the engineer gets the files to me that I need to issue a report that day. I’m hoping to have it done on Thursday.

Well, it’s bedtime. Ta ta.


A few things have happened today, none of which involve Sir. I was busy at work, reports and all. I got a call from my boss and the new girl – it is the blind leading the blind over there. I’m not sure how this trip will go. I may have to sit through training I’ve already had or I may have to train some people who have zero experience with engineers. Either way it will be a bit brutal with the flight schedule my boss reserved for me.

I have to leave the house at 4:30 AM tomorrow morning. I’ll be in bed early. First I need to pack. I think I have my outfits picked out, I just need to pack. I’ll do it just before bed. Luckily my schedule is such that I only need to pack two outfits and a pair of pjs.

I’m tired and I’m trying to relax so best wishes and ta ta!

Working Sunday

I’ve gotten a lot done today to get ready to travel on Tuesday. I’m not looking forward to that day. I have to leave the house by 4 AM, travel for over 5 hours then go into the office for six or seven hours to work. Thursday when I leave it’s just as bad, I will work all day at the office then fly out at seven but not return home until midnight. Thankfully I have Friday off. I plan to take my car in to be serviced finally, I’m 1000 miles overdue for that.

The diet plan starts this week. I will have to report in to Sir nightly about what I have eaten each day, and I will have to take a photo on the scale every Friday morning. No sweets, no soda, no carbs. I’ve done it before without having to check in, I think I can be successful again. It’ll be a long road, but I am ready to take the journey. I just have to remember to weigh myself and photograph the scale in the morning so Sir will have my baseline. 

I have laundry to tend to so that’s it for today.

Ta ta


I’m currently sitting with my legs astride and two machines stuck to my inner thighs and it’s freezing! (Hence the name Cool Sculpting). Somehow it feels colder than my last visit, maybe because my previous area was numb from the first treatment. When I get done here I get to go home and work some more. One of my counterparts is not trained a a specific software that we use and since I am, I get to do three reports this evening that shouldn’t have gone to me in the first place. That in turn means I had to cancel on Sir once again. I hate that. I know it bothers him to no end, but I really couldn’t help it. 

Kid has a National Honor Society ceremony tomorrow, so I will attend that. I also have plans with my friends for our birthday dinner. I have to squeeze in doing laundry and packing as well. I just need to be motivated this weekend so I can leave town without having to worry about anything back home.

Happy Friday!

Ta ta