I can tell I’m depressed because nothing interests me. I am bored constantly. Nothing is exciting, nothing piques my pleasure center, nothing, nothing, nothing…
My sleep patterns have been off since I lost my job. Yesterday I slept until 5:00 PM even though I went to bed at midnight. I did get up between 6 AM and 9 AM before going back to bed. Kid is noticing how much I’m sleeping. I need to call the psych and find out when my next appointment is. Not that I want him to change any of my meds; I feel like this is situational depression on top of my normal major depressive disorder. Last night, I went to bed with a sleep-aid and woke up at 2 AM. I was so wide awake I got up and started drinking coffee. Out of all the cups I drink only about a quarter of them are caffeinated. I drink decaf because I hate being jittery. I thought the maid was coming this morning at 9 like she usually does so I wanted to be awake. That didn’t happen, but at least I was awake to leave the money out for the yard guy. I got an hour nap in at 11, but I was still concerned about being awake when the maid showed up so I was again wide awake at noon. Today they sent a crew at 4:00. I love the crew, they get in and out as quickly as possible. Kid and I went to get our toes done, we both needed it badly. Unfortunately, the crew was still here when we returned. Kid took a shower and headed out for Dad’s house, I just stayed out of the way of the crew.
I was invited out to the pub tonight with my girlfriend, but I needed to isolate. I haven’t showered in several days or changed my clothes. I know it’s bad and I know I should make an effort, but it is so hard. I just want to curl up in the back of my closet and disappear.
I haven’t received a single call from all of the resumes I’ve put out there and it is making me anxious. I’ve had to take my anti-anxiety meds (both of them) every day since I lost my job which isn’t usually the case. I am sellable, I should have several calls already. I’ve even tweaked my resume to look better, but still nothing.
I miss Sir’s support right now. I know I shouldn’t rely on him so much since that’s not supposed to be the basis of our relationship, but I do. I truly do. He is so insightful, so caring, so understanding… The only other person who put up with my moods successfully was my late husband. I’ve been watching a show called “You’re The Worst” from FX and I completely identify with the female character. She spent several episodes isolating, zoning out, and shutting everyone in her life out – that’s how I feel right now. I can’t truly do what I feel I need though. I have a kid I need to make sure is fine. I have a job quest that I must complete. I have family that I need to keep in touch with. If it weren’t for Kid I would be in that ball on the floor of my closet or under my coffee table. I am so low. The is the lowest I have been in a long while.
I write to put my thoughts and feelings out there, to make them real, if they are real or spoken maybe I can overcome them. It hasn’t worked so far, but I do feel better when I write. It’s like alphabet vomit. It feels good once it’s out.
I can’t do any more tonight. Ta ta.